the pain, the hurt
the frustration, the tears
the heartaches, the fears
spinning and spinning
not knowing which way to go
yelling and screaming
she's going to blow
"i understand" no you don't!
falling, falling, shes crumbling
giving up on herself
giving up on life and everybody in it
they all let you down
emotional wreck, she's giving in
to the pain that goes but forces itself in
happieness she fears
for if it goes wrong it ends in tears...
falling falling
she drops to the ground
crying and screaming without a sound...

2009

Happy New Year!! It's a new year and a new beginning. Out with the old and in with the new. Let's make it a good year folks! 2008 is over! What a year! I won't go back and remember all of the memories of 2008. Although there were some good memories, most are hurtful and too painful to think about. So I will focus on the new year and new beginnings. I need to stop focusing about the past and start living in the present. It's not fair to the people i love to keep living in the past. So here's to the present! Last night i went to my church with my parents, and Joe and his family to see the Fireproof movie. We had a great turnout! And the movie was great also! I'd reccommend it to anyone! I cried in it though so have a box of tissues nearby when you watch it! Then Joe and Travis came back to the house with my parents and my sister adn they stayed till a little after 12 and then my two best friends came over and we stayed up until about 5 talking and watching movies. It was fun. But last night when the movie was over and Joe's parents left, he came in with half a dozen of roses just for new years! I was shocked and kept saying 'I cannot believe you did that!" I almost cried because i was kind of depressed because of the movie but i didn't. It was so sweet though! I was completely surprised. It's something I'm not used to, lol but it made me happy. So i'd say my new years eve was pretty good lol. And my Christmas was pretty good too, even if i did have a fight with my brother, and cried the entire way home from my grandparents house because i was remembering too much. But okay, here are some pictures of my roses and my new phone!! and some other just random pictures. Alright well I hope everyone has a great 2009!! May God bless you and your family!!!



......Or not cuz its not working at the moment. But anyways they were pink and they had babies breath mixed in with them. They are so pretty. But yeah. Well i'm going to go. Break is almost over and i have a ton, and i mean a TON of homework to do. There's no way I'm going to get it done. And tomorrow I'm supposed to be going down to Maryland to go shopping with my aunt and uncle but i dont' know if i'm going or not because of my homework. blahhh....but okay Happy New Year!!

Christmas!!!

Christmas is in 5 days!! How unbelievable is that???? So the month of December has some pretty sad and painful memories for me, but actually its going okay. I'm posting now since I probalby won't have anytime to between now and Christmas. I finally have all my Christmas shopping done...well almost. I have one more thing to get for my bestest friend ever, plus some pictures for the scrapbook im making her for her birthday, and now i'm stressing because i was told that my boyfriend's grandparents got me something...so now i don't know if i should get them something or what?? AHHH. I don't really like getting gifts...i mean sure its nice but i'd much rather give them ya kno? I love shopping for people even though it stresses me out major time. But anyways on to my busy schedule. Tomorrow Joe's coming to Church with us, and then we're all going up to my dad's parents for Christmas with them, which should be a lot of fun. Then Monday is school, my chairopractor appointment (im in mucho pain for the past couple of weeks now), and then i'll probably go out shopping for a little. Tuesday, we have a half day, then the varsity basketball team is coming over for a Christmas party which should be a blast! Then Christmas Eve, I'll probably spend the day decorating cookies, and getting ready for our Christmas Eve tradition, and then Christmas day, we'll go down to my mom's parents. And i'm off the entire weekend from work!!! Which definatly makes me happy...i worked tonight which wasn't too bad except that i'm not feeling well and i made mistakes galore, but jena took most of the tables so i got to do the bills and make sure everything was okay....but yeah.....And in Sunday School tomorrow we're writing letters to the troops.....which excites me. Have you ever seen the Christmas Card? IT's a really really good movie and you NEED to watch it. I love it! But anyways. We just need to remember the real meaning of Christmas...sometimes we get so caught up in all the activities of Christmas that we forget what it's really all about. Jesus Christ was born!! In a little town called Bethlehem, in a stable because there was no room at the inn. Wow. Where would we be without the birth of Christ. I don't even what to think about it. But folks as we finish up our Christmas shopping lets not forget about that baby boy born to save us. You should listen to the Hallelujah Light Has Come song by Barlow Girl....I was going to sing it at Church but am not becuase i got sick....but its a good song.

Remember the reason for the season!!!


MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Venting and Crying

Well i'm not posting another part of my story. We didn't win our basketball game, we played terrible as a team and i played like crap. I have no idea why really though, i was trying it just didn't get me very far...but anyways..thats the "venting" part...this next part is the crying part....kind of venting to.

Don't EVER let a guy tell you he loves you girls! THey never EVER mean it. Unless you are engaged or married don't let them. Because otherwise, their lying to you. Believe me i know. I was stupid to ever think that he could love ME.....SO STUPID! I gave my heart to him and he doesn't even care anymore!! He just keeps breaking it over and over again!!! I don't understand why i keep hanging on!!? Stupid, i'm stupid, thats what! And im stupid for being in a relationship now. I'll just get hurt in the end, i know i will. And i hate it. Guys are jerks. They can stop liking a girl on the dime and then let her drop like a cup of coffe. Old news. They don't care anymore. Why is it that SOME girls, hold on and on and on...and continue to hope for something thats not there...b/c we're stupid...guys are jerks and girls are stupid. well some of us are. You know. I'm just sick of people altogether. One minute their your friend, the next their stabbing you in the back, or just don't really care about you anymore. It's pointless to have a friend, or boyfriend, or whatever. In the end the only person you can trust is yourself. And God of course. People only hurt you. Thats all they do. I have not met a person who hasn't hurt me yet. They let you down. So why bother? Why bother trying to make friends? Why bother having a boyfriend? UGHHH. How is it that you can still make me cry my eyes out? It's not fair!! I didn't deserve this!! AND I HATE IT!!! I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THINGS THAT BASICALLY KILLS THEM!!!! Not just me but other people too who go through the same, or worse!! I'm trying to keep my eyes on Jesus. It's so hard when the pressures of the world are falling down on your shoulders. Keep your chin up everyone says. But other people are bringing you down. I guess you just have to pray for those people. And ask God to help you stand, when you keep falling...

Love is a lie. Unless its God's unconditional love. That's the only real love in this world. But Love between man and woman, is a lie. A complete and total lie. No one keeps their word. Don't say "i love you" unless you mean it.... ='[

Part 3

Well, the bus is breaking down and isn't going to get to school until like 9:30 so i'm driving to school and have some "free" time so i thought i'd post another part to my story. I've been feeling down a lot this week. I dont' know why though, i just have been. And apparently since i don't want to find a solution to my problem (untrue) i'll just keep writing..and "wallowing" at the moment.....

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I'd be sitting here all day telling you every single memory that i remember about Brad, and we can't do that because you two soon need to get to bed. But there was snowboarding, studyhalls, soccer games, soccer tournaments, basketball games, corn maizes, birthday parties, "our" staircase, wearing his sweatshirt, and adventure sports, just to name a few. There were so many good memories, it's always hard for me to look at how it ended. But throughout each memory, there were some not so good times too. I can't remember all of them, I just remember crying a lot. I felt, how do I say it to you guys, i felt like i wasn't good enough for him and his family. And I never felt really accepted.

His senior year came. It started out pretty good. Then soccer came, it went well the first couple of games but then he wasn't allowed to sit with me on the bus for away games. It hurt and it hit us both pretty hard. And then January 23, 2008 came around. We went snowboarding with the adventure sports group. It was fun, he tied my boots and helped me learn how to snowboard. I can't imagine i was a very good "learner" but i got the knack of it down a little bit. And then we went to the top of the big hill and we just sat up there for awhile and some kids came by and the one girl was like "Aww" and he thought i didn't like sitting there anymore becuase she said that but it was quite the opposite actually. It was awesome. I was sitting on top of a mountain beside the guy of my dreams while the sun was setting and someone thought it was "cute." Finally, I wasn't the girl looking at another couple wishing i was the girl he was sitting beside. It felt great. However, that night didn't end how i thought it would. It ended in tears and hugs and goodbyes. I remember that day all too well. I won't tell you in detail what happened but I remember him telling me that it was over, we had to cut all strings between us. He couldn't love me anymore. I didn't cry. At first. I jsut sat there and took it all in, too shocked to let my emotions out. We drove home together with two of my friends. When we dropped Ally off at Sheets, he got out to help her get her stuff out of the back of her truck. One of my good friends, Tonya, was sitting beside me. My voice quivered as I told her i couldnt' tell her what happened now because i'd fall apart. I started to cry but Brad got back in the truck so i straightened up. WE got back to the school and got Tonya's stuff out of the truck and her dad gave Brad money for gas. He didn't want to accept it but Tonya's dad said "take the girl for some ice cream." Little did he know, that Brad would never take me for "some ice cream," because it was over. Completely and totally over. Brad climbed in the truck and we drove down to the end of the parking lot. We sat in the truck waiting for my dad to come and pick me up. He was crying and i started to cry. THen my dad arrived and Brad went and told him what happened. I got out of the truck and Brad hugged me again and I started balling. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to say goodbye to him. I wasn't ready for this. But we did. We said goodbye. I got in the car and the minute i closed the door, I started screaming and panicing. I couldn't get my breath and I just sobbed and sobbed the whole way home. I got home and got ready for bed, crying the entire time. I remember crying when i got into bed. I cried like i never cried before. My mom came up and layed down beside me and rubbed my back and told me about one of her boyfriends and how she felt when they broke up. I jsut kept crying and didn't say anything. I finally fell asleep but I woke up a few hours later crying again. That was one of the worst nights I have ever had. The next day i had a basketball game so i couldn't skip school. I remember that day too. I went to school and I was a wreck the entire day. I don't know that i smiled at all. I cried and Tonya and Jaylena cried for me. Then a bunch of us were waiting in a study hall before we had to leave for our game and apparently Brad had come to school to talk to me. I didn't see him because i had my head turned away from the door, but my sister saw him and went to talk to him. She wouldn't let him talk to me but when she came into the room, I saw she had been crying and she handed me a note. I read it and started crying. Not a lot because i was in a room with a bunch of his classmates and older kids. THen i saw my dad and i just walked out of the room. I went to him and started crying and he just hugged me. I remember Mr. Mieser walked over to talk to my dad and gave me a sympathetic smile. I sat up front in the van the entire way to Grace Prep and cried and said nothing. The game was terrible. I couldn't focus on playing and i was drained from all the crying. I remember jsut laying down on the chairs in the room we changed and just cried and stayed there for a long time. A bunch of the varsity girls sat in the hallway with me so a particular teacher couldn't come and talk to me. I remember Veronica, oh dear Veronica, trying so hard to make me smile and happy. She did make me laugh a few times. She left the next year and I missed her terribly. The day after the basketball game i skipped school. I stayed home and watched sad movies that made me cry.

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The memories hurt so bad. This is really hard for me to write. I cried while writing this section. I remember all like it was yesterday. But i think when it's finished it will be good to get it all out.

Part 2

I should be going to bed so i won't have to struggle to get up for Church tomorrow but i'm wide awake and can't sleep. So i'm giving you another part of my story.


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Nothing happened. His dad wasn't too keen on the idea of us going out, but nothing happened. Yet, anyways. It was just a scare. And there were several more of them throughout the year. Over the summer, I didn't see Brad that much. We talked over the internet but that was it. I started working at Hershey Park and once in July or August he came down to the park with some people from his church. He did a lot with the people in his church which is great but i never left him know that it bothered me that he could be with the girls in his youth group, but could barely even talk to me, let alone, do something with me. But i just let it go and didn't say anything. I didn't want to create problems. Anyway, we barely got anytime to ride roller coasters. We rode a few but not that many. Then, I remember riding the super-duper-looper. It was the last ride we rode before he had to leave and he held my hand on that ride for the first time. I was again the happiest girl in the world. However, that didn't last for very long. September 18, 2006 was the worst day of my life, or so I thought. Brad broke up with me that day, at a soccer game, It was painful and hard to take, but yet that was the first hug i ever got from him. And I love hugs. Absolutly love them, i'm a very huggable person. But of course i was absolutly devestated. I cried the entire way home. I remember we had to drop off barbeque tickets or something off at our old neighbors house, and my sister's boyfriend, Tyler, and her, and my dad were all with. I remember Jaylena and Dad getting out of the car to take the tickets in, and Tyler asked if i was alright, and i just mumbled a "yes" but i was far from being alright. I cried the entire night, after finally falling asleep, I woke up crying a few hours later. I surprisingly went to school the next day. I got to school, saw my friend, Tonya, and burst into tears. I was miserable the whole day and didn't smile for days. After those days were up, however, everything was back to normal. I was so confused. It was like Brad and I were still going out except we weren't considered boyfriend and girlfriend. We were just "friends."
Throughout the next two years, it remained pretty much the same. There were a few of those "scares" that really upset and confused me but other than that it was a pretty joyous two years. I mean sure i still got upset because he was barely ever allowed to do anything if i was involved. But hey, he still liked me and talked to me, which made me happy. I remember the day he told me he loved me like it was yesterday. It was behind the art room and he said it just seconds before the bell rang to go to studyhall. I wanted to say it back but i was scared. However, i managed to get those three very important words out. And i meant it, every single word, with all of my heart. Adults say that teenagers dont' know what love is. Well, I'm telling you now, I loved Brad News.



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Nothing spectatcular there...but hey its a story. with a different ending when i get to it. of course it didnt' turn out the way i'll have this one turn out...but thats how i thought it would...or wouldve liked to have had it...it still could turn out that way...but whatver God has in store for me, i guess i'll just have to wait and see...cuz thats what i want. i'm not going to say this is how it is or isn't though. becuase i'm not God. and i can't determine that.

Goodnight

December 6, 2005

Instead of being out in the woods with my boyfriend...i am stuck at home thinking. which is not good on this particular day.

I know the dates wrong up there...but that date....was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. and it was. but now its the most painful and sorrowful day of my life. The story behind it? I guess you'll just have to find out for yourself?



Broken Hearted.


"Get off the computer!!"
"Hang on! I'm talking to a friend about something!" tears streaming down my face, I yelled at my mom.
"You have five minutes to get off that computer or you're grounded!"

I signed off and stomped up to my room. I crawled into bed and started crying. It had been three months since the love of my life decided he didn't want me anymore. And it had almost been three years since he broke up with me, "unofficially" though. I climbed out of bed and sat down in front of my closet. I pulled out the box named Brad News. All my memories packed into one big box. I stared going through the things in the box sobbing as i remembered the memory with each item.

I'm Clara Anderson, and this is just the beginning of a long and hurtful chapter of my life. And I'm telling it to, two important people in my life, who want to know all about what it's like to have a boyfriend.


It all started about five years ago. I thought that this guy in eigth grade was so amazing. He was nice and funny and there was just something about his walk and his eyes. Brad News was the happiest guy i ever knew. He had this love for the Lord that was so amazing and because he always was so happy it seemed he was always so light on his feet. Of course, he wouldn't notice an ugly sixth grader like me. If he'd notice anyone it'd be my twin sister, Jaylena. However, she was interested in some other guy that had just came to our school that year. I kept my crush to myself for the longest time, but my sister eventually found out and she told everyone else...who eventually told Brad. Talk about embarressing!

The whole thing was kind of a fluke for the first two years. I was a "cool" person in his opinion, when asked by my annoying friends, if he liked me. Jaylena and I got picked up from school after every day for awhile. His mom picked him and his little brother up too. Coincidence? I think not. Jaylena, being my twin and all, loved to pick on me. It got so bad, I'd run to the bathroom, just to hide my blushing face. Secretly though, i enjoyed the attention. Even if it was extremely embarressing. Once as silly as it sounds, I thought he smiled at me on his way out to his mom's vehicle. Of course, not at me, it couldn't have been, could it have?

Eigth grade rolled around and he started waving at me when he left! I thought it was a dream come true. Who cared if he didn't like me? He was waving to me! I didn't think it was possible. Around October or November, a group from school went caving and my friend, Jacey and I, got to go along. We were the only two girls. What an expierence that was. It was the scariest thing i had ever done. I almost fell once but two people caught me, i don't remember who it was though. Brad was of course among the guys that went. That marked a signifacnt change in our relationship. I found out through a friend, that night, that he liked me. You cannot even imagine my happiness but i refused to believe it because i didnt' want it to be a joke. The next day however, i recieved an email from Brad. My heart dropped to my knees and i swear my smile was as big as California. We continued emailing for awhile, and everyonce in a while he'd say hi to me in the hall. Me, being stupid in the guy department, had no clue he liked me, until November 24, 2005. I recieved an email that said that he liked me. I was estatic and so happy. I immediatly called my brother's, then girlfriend, Jen, over to tell her. I couldn't contain my happiness. Exactly twelve days later, on December 6, 2005, Brad asked me, Clara Anderson, to be his girlfriend. I literally screamed when i read what he wrote on IM. I was the happiest girl on the planet that day. Nothing could have squelched my happiness that day.

The next day, I went to school and i was so nervous. As the bus pulled into the school he was getting dropped off. I had no idea what to say so i just smiled at him. For weeks, even months, i barley talked to him. I remember riding over to the Church to practice for a play and go to a retreat for the first time with him. The ride was silent, but that didnt' matter to me. I was just happy to be sitting beside him. I was so shy, it was rediculous, and for nine months i didn't have too much to say. Those nine months, were so happy. It was different than i had expected but it was great. Except for a few things. Once, I was serving with Brad at a banquet and there was a slideshow with a picture of the two of us together. His dad then found out we were going out. Needless to say, he was none to happy. And Brad scared me and emailed me and said he didn't know what was going to happen.




There. A friend said i should write about it. Well i'm writing about it. You'll have to wait for the next part, whenever i get around to it. It's nothing spectactular but it's helping a little.

December 6, 2005 the best-worst day of my life. =[