Part 3

Well, the bus is breaking down and isn't going to get to school until like 9:30 so i'm driving to school and have some "free" time so i thought i'd post another part to my story. I've been feeling down a lot this week. I dont' know why though, i just have been. And apparently since i don't want to find a solution to my problem (untrue) i'll just keep writing..and "wallowing" at the moment.....

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I'd be sitting here all day telling you every single memory that i remember about Brad, and we can't do that because you two soon need to get to bed. But there was snowboarding, studyhalls, soccer games, soccer tournaments, basketball games, corn maizes, birthday parties, "our" staircase, wearing his sweatshirt, and adventure sports, just to name a few. There were so many good memories, it's always hard for me to look at how it ended. But throughout each memory, there were some not so good times too. I can't remember all of them, I just remember crying a lot. I felt, how do I say it to you guys, i felt like i wasn't good enough for him and his family. And I never felt really accepted.

His senior year came. It started out pretty good. Then soccer came, it went well the first couple of games but then he wasn't allowed to sit with me on the bus for away games. It hurt and it hit us both pretty hard. And then January 23, 2008 came around. We went snowboarding with the adventure sports group. It was fun, he tied my boots and helped me learn how to snowboard. I can't imagine i was a very good "learner" but i got the knack of it down a little bit. And then we went to the top of the big hill and we just sat up there for awhile and some kids came by and the one girl was like "Aww" and he thought i didn't like sitting there anymore becuase she said that but it was quite the opposite actually. It was awesome. I was sitting on top of a mountain beside the guy of my dreams while the sun was setting and someone thought it was "cute." Finally, I wasn't the girl looking at another couple wishing i was the girl he was sitting beside. It felt great. However, that night didn't end how i thought it would. It ended in tears and hugs and goodbyes. I remember that day all too well. I won't tell you in detail what happened but I remember him telling me that it was over, we had to cut all strings between us. He couldn't love me anymore. I didn't cry. At first. I jsut sat there and took it all in, too shocked to let my emotions out. We drove home together with two of my friends. When we dropped Ally off at Sheets, he got out to help her get her stuff out of the back of her truck. One of my good friends, Tonya, was sitting beside me. My voice quivered as I told her i couldnt' tell her what happened now because i'd fall apart. I started to cry but Brad got back in the truck so i straightened up. WE got back to the school and got Tonya's stuff out of the truck and her dad gave Brad money for gas. He didn't want to accept it but Tonya's dad said "take the girl for some ice cream." Little did he know, that Brad would never take me for "some ice cream," because it was over. Completely and totally over. Brad climbed in the truck and we drove down to the end of the parking lot. We sat in the truck waiting for my dad to come and pick me up. He was crying and i started to cry. THen my dad arrived and Brad went and told him what happened. I got out of the truck and Brad hugged me again and I started balling. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to say goodbye to him. I wasn't ready for this. But we did. We said goodbye. I got in the car and the minute i closed the door, I started screaming and panicing. I couldn't get my breath and I just sobbed and sobbed the whole way home. I got home and got ready for bed, crying the entire time. I remember crying when i got into bed. I cried like i never cried before. My mom came up and layed down beside me and rubbed my back and told me about one of her boyfriends and how she felt when they broke up. I jsut kept crying and didn't say anything. I finally fell asleep but I woke up a few hours later crying again. That was one of the worst nights I have ever had. The next day i had a basketball game so i couldn't skip school. I remember that day too. I went to school and I was a wreck the entire day. I don't know that i smiled at all. I cried and Tonya and Jaylena cried for me. Then a bunch of us were waiting in a study hall before we had to leave for our game and apparently Brad had come to school to talk to me. I didn't see him because i had my head turned away from the door, but my sister saw him and went to talk to him. She wouldn't let him talk to me but when she came into the room, I saw she had been crying and she handed me a note. I read it and started crying. Not a lot because i was in a room with a bunch of his classmates and older kids. THen i saw my dad and i just walked out of the room. I went to him and started crying and he just hugged me. I remember Mr. Mieser walked over to talk to my dad and gave me a sympathetic smile. I sat up front in the van the entire way to Grace Prep and cried and said nothing. The game was terrible. I couldn't focus on playing and i was drained from all the crying. I remember jsut laying down on the chairs in the room we changed and just cried and stayed there for a long time. A bunch of the varsity girls sat in the hallway with me so a particular teacher couldn't come and talk to me. I remember Veronica, oh dear Veronica, trying so hard to make me smile and happy. She did make me laugh a few times. She left the next year and I missed her terribly. The day after the basketball game i skipped school. I stayed home and watched sad movies that made me cry.

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The memories hurt so bad. This is really hard for me to write. I cried while writing this section. I remember all like it was yesterday. But i think when it's finished it will be good to get it all out.