Christmas!!!

Christmas is in 5 days!! How unbelievable is that???? So the month of December has some pretty sad and painful memories for me, but actually its going okay. I'm posting now since I probalby won't have anytime to between now and Christmas. I finally have all my Christmas shopping done...well almost. I have one more thing to get for my bestest friend ever, plus some pictures for the scrapbook im making her for her birthday, and now i'm stressing because i was told that my boyfriend's grandparents got me something...so now i don't know if i should get them something or what?? AHHH. I don't really like getting gifts...i mean sure its nice but i'd much rather give them ya kno? I love shopping for people even though it stresses me out major time. But anyways on to my busy schedule. Tomorrow Joe's coming to Church with us, and then we're all going up to my dad's parents for Christmas with them, which should be a lot of fun. Then Monday is school, my chairopractor appointment (im in mucho pain for the past couple of weeks now), and then i'll probably go out shopping for a little. Tuesday, we have a half day, then the varsity basketball team is coming over for a Christmas party which should be a blast! Then Christmas Eve, I'll probably spend the day decorating cookies, and getting ready for our Christmas Eve tradition, and then Christmas day, we'll go down to my mom's parents. And i'm off the entire weekend from work!!! Which definatly makes me happy...i worked tonight which wasn't too bad except that i'm not feeling well and i made mistakes galore, but jena took most of the tables so i got to do the bills and make sure everything was okay....but yeah.....And in Sunday School tomorrow we're writing letters to the troops.....which excites me. Have you ever seen the Christmas Card? IT's a really really good movie and you NEED to watch it. I love it! But anyways. We just need to remember the real meaning of Christmas...sometimes we get so caught up in all the activities of Christmas that we forget what it's really all about. Jesus Christ was born!! In a little town called Bethlehem, in a stable because there was no room at the inn. Wow. Where would we be without the birth of Christ. I don't even what to think about it. But folks as we finish up our Christmas shopping lets not forget about that baby boy born to save us. You should listen to the Hallelujah Light Has Come song by Barlow Girl....I was going to sing it at Church but am not becuase i got sick....but its a good song.

Remember the reason for the season!!!


MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Venting and Crying

Well i'm not posting another part of my story. We didn't win our basketball game, we played terrible as a team and i played like crap. I have no idea why really though, i was trying it just didn't get me very far...but anyways..thats the "venting" part...this next part is the crying part....kind of venting to.

Don't EVER let a guy tell you he loves you girls! THey never EVER mean it. Unless you are engaged or married don't let them. Because otherwise, their lying to you. Believe me i know. I was stupid to ever think that he could love ME.....SO STUPID! I gave my heart to him and he doesn't even care anymore!! He just keeps breaking it over and over again!!! I don't understand why i keep hanging on!!? Stupid, i'm stupid, thats what! And im stupid for being in a relationship now. I'll just get hurt in the end, i know i will. And i hate it. Guys are jerks. They can stop liking a girl on the dime and then let her drop like a cup of coffe. Old news. They don't care anymore. Why is it that SOME girls, hold on and on and on...and continue to hope for something thats not there...b/c we're stupid...guys are jerks and girls are stupid. well some of us are. You know. I'm just sick of people altogether. One minute their your friend, the next their stabbing you in the back, or just don't really care about you anymore. It's pointless to have a friend, or boyfriend, or whatever. In the end the only person you can trust is yourself. And God of course. People only hurt you. Thats all they do. I have not met a person who hasn't hurt me yet. They let you down. So why bother? Why bother trying to make friends? Why bother having a boyfriend? UGHHH. How is it that you can still make me cry my eyes out? It's not fair!! I didn't deserve this!! AND I HATE IT!!! I DON"T UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE GO THROUGH THINGS THAT BASICALLY KILLS THEM!!!! Not just me but other people too who go through the same, or worse!! I'm trying to keep my eyes on Jesus. It's so hard when the pressures of the world are falling down on your shoulders. Keep your chin up everyone says. But other people are bringing you down. I guess you just have to pray for those people. And ask God to help you stand, when you keep falling...

Love is a lie. Unless its God's unconditional love. That's the only real love in this world. But Love between man and woman, is a lie. A complete and total lie. No one keeps their word. Don't say "i love you" unless you mean it.... ='[

Part 3

Well, the bus is breaking down and isn't going to get to school until like 9:30 so i'm driving to school and have some "free" time so i thought i'd post another part to my story. I've been feeling down a lot this week. I dont' know why though, i just have been. And apparently since i don't want to find a solution to my problem (untrue) i'll just keep writing..and "wallowing" at the moment.....

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I'd be sitting here all day telling you every single memory that i remember about Brad, and we can't do that because you two soon need to get to bed. But there was snowboarding, studyhalls, soccer games, soccer tournaments, basketball games, corn maizes, birthday parties, "our" staircase, wearing his sweatshirt, and adventure sports, just to name a few. There were so many good memories, it's always hard for me to look at how it ended. But throughout each memory, there were some not so good times too. I can't remember all of them, I just remember crying a lot. I felt, how do I say it to you guys, i felt like i wasn't good enough for him and his family. And I never felt really accepted.

His senior year came. It started out pretty good. Then soccer came, it went well the first couple of games but then he wasn't allowed to sit with me on the bus for away games. It hurt and it hit us both pretty hard. And then January 23, 2008 came around. We went snowboarding with the adventure sports group. It was fun, he tied my boots and helped me learn how to snowboard. I can't imagine i was a very good "learner" but i got the knack of it down a little bit. And then we went to the top of the big hill and we just sat up there for awhile and some kids came by and the one girl was like "Aww" and he thought i didn't like sitting there anymore becuase she said that but it was quite the opposite actually. It was awesome. I was sitting on top of a mountain beside the guy of my dreams while the sun was setting and someone thought it was "cute." Finally, I wasn't the girl looking at another couple wishing i was the girl he was sitting beside. It felt great. However, that night didn't end how i thought it would. It ended in tears and hugs and goodbyes. I remember that day all too well. I won't tell you in detail what happened but I remember him telling me that it was over, we had to cut all strings between us. He couldn't love me anymore. I didn't cry. At first. I jsut sat there and took it all in, too shocked to let my emotions out. We drove home together with two of my friends. When we dropped Ally off at Sheets, he got out to help her get her stuff out of the back of her truck. One of my good friends, Tonya, was sitting beside me. My voice quivered as I told her i couldnt' tell her what happened now because i'd fall apart. I started to cry but Brad got back in the truck so i straightened up. WE got back to the school and got Tonya's stuff out of the truck and her dad gave Brad money for gas. He didn't want to accept it but Tonya's dad said "take the girl for some ice cream." Little did he know, that Brad would never take me for "some ice cream," because it was over. Completely and totally over. Brad climbed in the truck and we drove down to the end of the parking lot. We sat in the truck waiting for my dad to come and pick me up. He was crying and i started to cry. THen my dad arrived and Brad went and told him what happened. I got out of the truck and Brad hugged me again and I started balling. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to say goodbye to him. I wasn't ready for this. But we did. We said goodbye. I got in the car and the minute i closed the door, I started screaming and panicing. I couldn't get my breath and I just sobbed and sobbed the whole way home. I got home and got ready for bed, crying the entire time. I remember crying when i got into bed. I cried like i never cried before. My mom came up and layed down beside me and rubbed my back and told me about one of her boyfriends and how she felt when they broke up. I jsut kept crying and didn't say anything. I finally fell asleep but I woke up a few hours later crying again. That was one of the worst nights I have ever had. The next day i had a basketball game so i couldn't skip school. I remember that day too. I went to school and I was a wreck the entire day. I don't know that i smiled at all. I cried and Tonya and Jaylena cried for me. Then a bunch of us were waiting in a study hall before we had to leave for our game and apparently Brad had come to school to talk to me. I didn't see him because i had my head turned away from the door, but my sister saw him and went to talk to him. She wouldn't let him talk to me but when she came into the room, I saw she had been crying and she handed me a note. I read it and started crying. Not a lot because i was in a room with a bunch of his classmates and older kids. THen i saw my dad and i just walked out of the room. I went to him and started crying and he just hugged me. I remember Mr. Mieser walked over to talk to my dad and gave me a sympathetic smile. I sat up front in the van the entire way to Grace Prep and cried and said nothing. The game was terrible. I couldn't focus on playing and i was drained from all the crying. I remember jsut laying down on the chairs in the room we changed and just cried and stayed there for a long time. A bunch of the varsity girls sat in the hallway with me so a particular teacher couldn't come and talk to me. I remember Veronica, oh dear Veronica, trying so hard to make me smile and happy. She did make me laugh a few times. She left the next year and I missed her terribly. The day after the basketball game i skipped school. I stayed home and watched sad movies that made me cry.

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The memories hurt so bad. This is really hard for me to write. I cried while writing this section. I remember all like it was yesterday. But i think when it's finished it will be good to get it all out.

Part 2

I should be going to bed so i won't have to struggle to get up for Church tomorrow but i'm wide awake and can't sleep. So i'm giving you another part of my story.


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Nothing happened. His dad wasn't too keen on the idea of us going out, but nothing happened. Yet, anyways. It was just a scare. And there were several more of them throughout the year. Over the summer, I didn't see Brad that much. We talked over the internet but that was it. I started working at Hershey Park and once in July or August he came down to the park with some people from his church. He did a lot with the people in his church which is great but i never left him know that it bothered me that he could be with the girls in his youth group, but could barely even talk to me, let alone, do something with me. But i just let it go and didn't say anything. I didn't want to create problems. Anyway, we barely got anytime to ride roller coasters. We rode a few but not that many. Then, I remember riding the super-duper-looper. It was the last ride we rode before he had to leave and he held my hand on that ride for the first time. I was again the happiest girl in the world. However, that didn't last for very long. September 18, 2006 was the worst day of my life, or so I thought. Brad broke up with me that day, at a soccer game, It was painful and hard to take, but yet that was the first hug i ever got from him. And I love hugs. Absolutly love them, i'm a very huggable person. But of course i was absolutly devestated. I cried the entire way home. I remember we had to drop off barbeque tickets or something off at our old neighbors house, and my sister's boyfriend, Tyler, and her, and my dad were all with. I remember Jaylena and Dad getting out of the car to take the tickets in, and Tyler asked if i was alright, and i just mumbled a "yes" but i was far from being alright. I cried the entire night, after finally falling asleep, I woke up crying a few hours later. I surprisingly went to school the next day. I got to school, saw my friend, Tonya, and burst into tears. I was miserable the whole day and didn't smile for days. After those days were up, however, everything was back to normal. I was so confused. It was like Brad and I were still going out except we weren't considered boyfriend and girlfriend. We were just "friends."
Throughout the next two years, it remained pretty much the same. There were a few of those "scares" that really upset and confused me but other than that it was a pretty joyous two years. I mean sure i still got upset because he was barely ever allowed to do anything if i was involved. But hey, he still liked me and talked to me, which made me happy. I remember the day he told me he loved me like it was yesterday. It was behind the art room and he said it just seconds before the bell rang to go to studyhall. I wanted to say it back but i was scared. However, i managed to get those three very important words out. And i meant it, every single word, with all of my heart. Adults say that teenagers dont' know what love is. Well, I'm telling you now, I loved Brad News.



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Nothing spectatcular there...but hey its a story. with a different ending when i get to it. of course it didnt' turn out the way i'll have this one turn out...but thats how i thought it would...or wouldve liked to have had it...it still could turn out that way...but whatver God has in store for me, i guess i'll just have to wait and see...cuz thats what i want. i'm not going to say this is how it is or isn't though. becuase i'm not God. and i can't determine that.

Goodnight

December 6, 2005

Instead of being out in the woods with my boyfriend...i am stuck at home thinking. which is not good on this particular day.

I know the dates wrong up there...but that date....was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. and it was. but now its the most painful and sorrowful day of my life. The story behind it? I guess you'll just have to find out for yourself?



Broken Hearted.


"Get off the computer!!"
"Hang on! I'm talking to a friend about something!" tears streaming down my face, I yelled at my mom.
"You have five minutes to get off that computer or you're grounded!"

I signed off and stomped up to my room. I crawled into bed and started crying. It had been three months since the love of my life decided he didn't want me anymore. And it had almost been three years since he broke up with me, "unofficially" though. I climbed out of bed and sat down in front of my closet. I pulled out the box named Brad News. All my memories packed into one big box. I stared going through the things in the box sobbing as i remembered the memory with each item.

I'm Clara Anderson, and this is just the beginning of a long and hurtful chapter of my life. And I'm telling it to, two important people in my life, who want to know all about what it's like to have a boyfriend.


It all started about five years ago. I thought that this guy in eigth grade was so amazing. He was nice and funny and there was just something about his walk and his eyes. Brad News was the happiest guy i ever knew. He had this love for the Lord that was so amazing and because he always was so happy it seemed he was always so light on his feet. Of course, he wouldn't notice an ugly sixth grader like me. If he'd notice anyone it'd be my twin sister, Jaylena. However, she was interested in some other guy that had just came to our school that year. I kept my crush to myself for the longest time, but my sister eventually found out and she told everyone else...who eventually told Brad. Talk about embarressing!

The whole thing was kind of a fluke for the first two years. I was a "cool" person in his opinion, when asked by my annoying friends, if he liked me. Jaylena and I got picked up from school after every day for awhile. His mom picked him and his little brother up too. Coincidence? I think not. Jaylena, being my twin and all, loved to pick on me. It got so bad, I'd run to the bathroom, just to hide my blushing face. Secretly though, i enjoyed the attention. Even if it was extremely embarressing. Once as silly as it sounds, I thought he smiled at me on his way out to his mom's vehicle. Of course, not at me, it couldn't have been, could it have?

Eigth grade rolled around and he started waving at me when he left! I thought it was a dream come true. Who cared if he didn't like me? He was waving to me! I didn't think it was possible. Around October or November, a group from school went caving and my friend, Jacey and I, got to go along. We were the only two girls. What an expierence that was. It was the scariest thing i had ever done. I almost fell once but two people caught me, i don't remember who it was though. Brad was of course among the guys that went. That marked a signifacnt change in our relationship. I found out through a friend, that night, that he liked me. You cannot even imagine my happiness but i refused to believe it because i didnt' want it to be a joke. The next day however, i recieved an email from Brad. My heart dropped to my knees and i swear my smile was as big as California. We continued emailing for awhile, and everyonce in a while he'd say hi to me in the hall. Me, being stupid in the guy department, had no clue he liked me, until November 24, 2005. I recieved an email that said that he liked me. I was estatic and so happy. I immediatly called my brother's, then girlfriend, Jen, over to tell her. I couldn't contain my happiness. Exactly twelve days later, on December 6, 2005, Brad asked me, Clara Anderson, to be his girlfriend. I literally screamed when i read what he wrote on IM. I was the happiest girl on the planet that day. Nothing could have squelched my happiness that day.

The next day, I went to school and i was so nervous. As the bus pulled into the school he was getting dropped off. I had no idea what to say so i just smiled at him. For weeks, even months, i barley talked to him. I remember riding over to the Church to practice for a play and go to a retreat for the first time with him. The ride was silent, but that didnt' matter to me. I was just happy to be sitting beside him. I was so shy, it was rediculous, and for nine months i didn't have too much to say. Those nine months, were so happy. It was different than i had expected but it was great. Except for a few things. Once, I was serving with Brad at a banquet and there was a slideshow with a picture of the two of us together. His dad then found out we were going out. Needless to say, he was none to happy. And Brad scared me and emailed me and said he didn't know what was going to happen.




There. A friend said i should write about it. Well i'm writing about it. You'll have to wait for the next part, whenever i get around to it. It's nothing spectactular but it's helping a little.

December 6, 2005 the best-worst day of my life. =[

Christmas is 29 days away!! I don't know why but i just love getting ready for Christmas. The music and the decorations, always excite me. And the shopping, i love getting gifts for people, that is if i know what they want, otherwise it can be somewhat stressful. But thanksgiving is tomorrow and let me tell you we have so much to be thankful. We're are going down to my brother's girlfriend's house for thanksgiving dinner and i really don't want to go at all, but then i think, at least i have somewhere to go to, ya know? with food and heat. So i have lots of things to be thankful for, we all do. It's weird though, when things don't neccessarily go our way, we forget to be thankful, and remember that God has a plan for us. It's so hard to keep that in perspective though. I have nothing really imparticular to write about. I'm just bored and waiting to leave. And I don't know, i guess i have a lot on my mind, but i don't really feel like getting into it all, or can't explain it all. I just feel like my life is still a bunch of strings all tangled together, waiting to get untangled but in the process of getting untangled it just gets even more tangled..if that makes sense. but whatever. but here is a poem and some song lyrics that i like.

STORM

How long have i been in this storm?
so overwhelmed by the oceans shapless form
waters getting harder and harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

If i could just see you
Everything would be alright
If i'd see you
this darkness would turn to light

And I, will walk on water
And you, will catch me if i fall
And I, will get lost into your eyes
And everything, will be alright,
everything will be alright.

BROKEN

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
that's still beating
In the pain
there is healing
in Your Name
i find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you.

I'm handin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm handing on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

__________

from afar.
she watches you.
teardrops form in her eyes
blinking away tears, she
steps out into the light,
acting as if everything is alright.
two hands touching
broken apart by circumstances
not understood to her,
care for you always will she
but you said never will it be.
Your feelings for her you won't admit
from your life, it is her you omit
it was never what she wanted
this storm inside her began to rage
"see the upside" ended the play
but you were no where in sight
thats what she wanted.
to see.
from afar.



or did she?

Trust

feet pounding,
pounding the pavement
heart beating,
beating in my chest,
sweat dripping off my face
look behind my shoulder
chasing.
it's chasing me.
*scream*
it grabs me.
falling to the ground
reaching out,
he doesn't save me
crushed, abandoned, alone,
falling.
it has me and it's taking me away
falling, falling,
light appears.
a hand reaches down
the only hand willing to
risk everything for me.
i grab it
its not too late
falling, falling.
it keeps falling,
hand in hand,
i'm dangling,
slipping, our fingers are slipping
lightening flashes
thunder cracks
sit up and look around
moonlit room,
just a dream...



How many times have you woken up from a dream and been scared because it seemed so real? And you can't help but start crying. I've been there many times, and the dreams haven't even been terrifying dreams. Weird, I know. I've been thinking alot lately, unfortunatly about many things. Some happy, but mostly not. Last night something triggered inside of me, and i went off...then i went to my room and cried and cried like i haven't for a long time. The thing is, i wasn't even crying over what triggered insidse of me. I was crying because i feel like i will never be able to get my complete happiness back. Well, that was part of it. So i was up late crying and thinking and partly studying and i woke up this morning and felt miserable, my eyes hurt all day, and i was just sad and thinking. and then i unloaded on Josh, a friend of mine who is very understanding and sees where i'm coming from, and i just really needed that. It felt good to unload on someone. I dont' do that very often but then i got in a happier mood, not totally happy but happier. And it just makes me thankful that i have friends that are willing to listen to me cry, and complain, and be upset and angry to, and just to talk to. You really find out who your true friends are. They either sympathize with you, tell you to buck up and deal with it, or tell you what your doing wrong. Sometimes you need your friends to yell at you. Josh didn't yell at me in any way shape or form lol. He just let me talk and gave me some advice and actually agreed with me. So i was back to feeling better, and now im down in the dumps again. *Sigh* i hate feelings. one minute your feeling good, the next you feel like everythings crashing down. I mean it could be a lot worse. I did have someone remind me that its not all bad, which i needed because they have it a lot worse. Which got my perspective somewhat back in place. But i don't know. I guess i just have to keep on working to be content with everything in my life. It's so hard, especially when you felt something was SO right, and then it turns out all the wrong ways....that you couldn't even possibly have dreamt of. It's like living in a nightmare.

But anyways, I'm pretty much just rambling i was told to update so i'm updating. It's not a very good one, but there ya go. So I might be getting sucked into my school play. 1. I'm a very bad actress. 2. I'm a very bad actress. 3. I have 30 lines to memorize in 1 day IF i have to do this part. and 4. I hate being in front of people on a stage. AHH. lol oh well I guess we'll see how things go, if i even get the part, i said the only way i would do it, is if i was the last and i mean LAST restort. But i'm going now. I think im going to go shopping by myself cuz im cool like that lol...plus i don't feel like being at home at the moment, and i haven't been shopping in forever, and would like to get a few things, and maybe start my Christmas shopping!! I love buying gifts for people even though i have a terrible time picking things out. I have to get my sister a really really good gift this year because she got me the best gift anyone has ever got me. My St. Bernard puppy!! Who by the way is doing very well, he's just a bit mischevious, haha. Alright i'm going now, have a good weekend!!


God Bless!!

Pictures!

I finally am on my dad's laptop and can download my pictures from my camera on here! So I'll post some pictures of the time my group was at the school working on our Econ project and we were waiting for Jenny's dad to come get her and some pics from the tournament! I don't know how they'll turn out but I'll try lol.

Jenny waiting for her dad to get there and freezing because she wouldn't get in the truck with the rest of us and we locked ourselves out of the school haha.

Marybeth and Eric in the back of the truck. (And Eric trying to steal my money lol)

A picture of the sun that i took. Joe trying to find a good station. (Don't worry he's not driving!! haha)

Baby Forest looking cute as always. (He's my baby according to the Blood Drive people, lol)

All of us girls with our hair braided and faces painted =]

Jena and I!!

Natalie and I being stupid after the game =] I love her!

Natalie and I again at the second game! It was so cold and rainy! Marybeth and I with our face paintings lol

Natalie, me, Dove, and Jenny after we were done painting each others faces!

Well thats it! Hopefully I'll keep posting pictures but it takes a long time so i don't know!

God Bless!!

I don't know...

I know I have a boyfriend....and it's going great...but that still doesn't mean i don't remember...and think about the "previous" guy....especially because the hurt is still so real.....it really is unfair to my boyfriend though.....that i still think about everything and that sometimes i "shrink back" because of what the other guy did or said.....kind of like i'm punishing him for what he did...it seems so unfair....but you know what i've learned...i've learned that promises aren't kept...you can 't believe anything anyone tells you....especially a boyfriend...i mean obviously some things you can...but if they say "i'm gonna love you forever" or "i'll always be here for you".....ha. what a lie... just a plain out lie.....it'd almost be better that they didn't say it at all.....but my one friend and i were talking on the internet and listening to songs and its really creepy because two of these songs applied so well to my one situation..it was weird and depressing and almost made me cry at the same time when i listened to them...one of them "Good bye" by Miley Cyrus and "Sorry" by the Jonas Brothers (two bands i rarely listen to)


I remember the simple things
I remember till I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Is goodbye
--Miley


Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights
But lullabies helps make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I'd be around
I'm building up the strength just to say

I'm Sorry
For breaking all the promises that I wasn't around to keep
It's all me,
This time is the last time that I'll ever beg you to stay
But your already on your way

Filled with sorrow, filled with pain
Knowing that I am to blame
For leaving your heart out in the rain
--Jonas Brothers


My response:

i'll keep remembering--
the only thing is
you never begged me to stay
you just pushed me away...




i've nothing else to say
for its impossible this way
to momentarily explain
all this hurting pain....




Good night.

Random, again

So it's Saturday afternoon and i am completely and totally bored. I have a splitting headache that I've had for a week now and can't get rid of it. Stupid sinus infection! And my phone is down at my grandparents house which is highly annoying me...i feel lost with out it.....I mean i don't really need it, i just want to know who all txted me..if anyone has lol...i know i have a missed call from my one friend...but other than that i'm clueless...I guess i could be doing homework and getting ahead and stuff....but i really don't feel like it....i want to be somewhere else but since some people are hunting (haha) and i have to work tonight (argh) i'm not...I hate my job. I have the rest of my life to work and I really really want to quit. The extra money is nice but I don't even get paid that much because I'm a waitress and it's not like the tips are great or anything, but oh well, i'll stick with it through Christmas and see how it goes from there..then i might quit....but we'll see...

Anyways last night, i went to a friend's birthday party and we went on a haunted hayride...It was umm..interesting....the party was fun but i can't say i particularly liked the haunted hayride...yeah it was fun screaming and stuff...but it was just wierd.....i don't really like the whole Halloween thing anymore...when i was younger yeah it was fun to get dressed up in costumes and get the candy and stuff but that was before i knew it was like a whole satanic thing.....(shudders) i really don't like halloween...

But yeah...yesterday i had a pretty bad day....I dont' understand one of my classes and the teacher's not really explaining it that well...so i was almost crying in that class and then i did cry before lunch...i dont' know whats wrong with me....and then Joe and Marybeth came back to the house becuase they we're coming to the party with us and i got all happy and stayed pretty happy through out the night...but then i got home and went to bed...and sometime through the night i woke up crying because of a dream i had....and i haven't dreamt in a really really long time so it was weird...but the dream seemed so real.....and it just kinda depressed me...even though it shouldn't have....but I'm going to get going now...I'm hopefully going to put the final coat of paint on my room today once dad gets home and then that will be done...at least for now until i find stencils that i like...


She looks through the window, wiping her tears
praying God would take away all her fears
She tries to hide all of her pain
for her feelings are so hard to explain
Happy she seems
but its all just a scheme
Hurting inside
she remembers till she cries.....

Remembering

I know i just posted like an hour or so ago but I'm posting again. If i dont' post when i have things on my mind, i'll forget them later. But hey two posts in one day, i'm getting good at this =] lol......but anyways i was up in bed, reading/doing homework and i was just thinking and remembering and stuff......and i got to a point where i think i can somewhat, somewhat, understand my feelings.



In one of my all time favorite movies, the Cinderella Story, Sam tells Austin: "Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought; useless and disappointing." The movie goes on to show Sam going to the football game with her friend, Austin realizes that football is not his dream, but his dad's dream for him. Austin runs off the field up the bleachers, just as Sam is getting ready to leave because she can't take it....Austin runs to her, kisses her, and it starts to rain, and he says "Sorry for making you wait for the rain." [ I LOVE that movie!!] But *reality* check. Love is not like that. I used to think it was [ha. stupid me] If it was like that, it'd stop a lot of hurt but its not so i guess we just have to deal with it, unfortunatly. I had a similiar situation except my fairy tale ending didn't come true. It was but just that; a fairy tale. I waited and waited and the rain came and went, but he never came....and i finally couldn't take it anymore, so i just left it rain and moved on to sunshine. Eventually, either him or i will realize what we've lost, either me for not waiting longer, or him for not coming to me.......if only the memories would but fade away, but do i really want them to?



Remembering When

I remember when you used to hold me tight
now crying and lonliness, I fight
For upon a mountain, the sun setting
I wish these memories, I'd be forgetting
The pain still with me, still here, still real
I wish this feeling I'd never have to feel
Your name on the wall I see every day
I stare, I blink, then look away
The warmth of your hand i feel no more
your love no longer there, my heart tore
I waited for you but you never came
your love for me never the same
In pain, I wept for months on end
until a friend God did send
Now is the time to let go
to me you cause no more 'woe'
Another chapter has begun
From you I no longer run
In his arms safe and sound
from the past pain in me around
So many memories I drown out
but within in me they'll always be bound
New memories will rise
right before my eyes
It won't be easy, these memories, to forget
With me they'll stay, I'll never regret
I thought all love within me was dead
but this new flower is beginning to spread...

Happiness becomes a part of me again
As the heart in me begins to mend...

Random

So i was reading this book which is actually a diary which was sort of boring at first but has a lot of good concepts in it. It kind of talks about how we judge people by the "outside cover." You can look at a person wearing almost all black, with several piercings and an unhappy look on his or her face....but do you really know them? No, you don't. You look at them and stare because their not like you.....But in reality they are just like you...they are a person who is hurting just like everyone else in this world, they may be hurting worse than most or they may just be confused at this certain point in their life. They don't neccessarily dress the way they do because they want to look evil, they dress like that because they don't want to be a superficial look alike. I mean common, how many people buy namebrand clothes and stylish stuff because everyone else is. I used to be like that and still am to some extent but I try not to give in to the "stylish" ways. I try to be modest and look nice at the same time, which is possible by the way. I don't always succeed but neither does anyone else. At least i try right? I've also started wearing stuff that I wouldn't normally because i was afriad of what people would think but guess what i dont' really care anymore....if I like it, I'm going to wear it. We, as Christians, should NOT be judging others by the way they dress. If they wear black pants with chains connected to them with a several piercings or dirty smelly clothing, or they tend to dress up a lot, or they wear casual comfy clothes alot...so what??? What does it matter what they look like on the outside?? Do you seriously think God cares about that?? I mean obviously He wants you to dress modestly and such but i think it comes down to a bigger concept. Whats in the heart! We all fail at accepting people. I know, believe me, I know. But really if you think about it, and I mean REALLY think about it...its wrong not to accept someone or let them join in your "group" if they aren't like you....becasue you know what....that person that you are turning away could be the very person of God Himself, then won't you be in a mess. I know i've looked at people and was like wow....that is really weird or something like that...or man, that girls skirt is too short...or whatever...but seriously..maybe their jsut at a point in their life where their confused or their hurting or doing that to get some attention adn they just don't know. And by not accepting them or staring or making fun of them....hurts them and closes them in all the more. I just don't understand why we can't accept everyone. How can we witness effectively and shut people out at the same time? Isn't that contradicting our Christianity? God's invitation is open to ALL.....few are chosen but the invitation is open....NO ONE deserves it!! NO ONE!!! We are no better than anyone out there....You are not better than me, I am not better than the girl next door, and she certaintly isn't any better than than they boy who lives in the trailer park....we are all the same..undeserving, sinning, wretches, is what we are. God sent His Son for every perosn on this world, we just have to accept His invitation....plug your name into John 3:16 "For God so loved [your name] that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever, believeth in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." For God so loved me, For God so loved susan, For God so loved mikey,.....and you get the picture.....if only we could stray from that thought process and only see whats on the inside, we could prevent so much hurt.........



Like a flower quickly fading

she pulls her arms in

like a dandelion among the roses

she doesn't fit in

people laughed and people pointed

at her dirty clothes, faded and torn

however, what they didn't realize

was that the God up above

was looking down on her in love.

Being Afraid

So I am EXHAUSTED. I got up at 6:15 this morning, went to the guys tournament game and then went to work until 9. So my feet are killing me and I'm sicker than a dog, haha. Work was CRAZY! For two hours we were busy non stop...it was my second night and i was waitressing tables all by myself and really had no clue what i was doing but it went okay, except till that rush was over, i was almost in tears, and pulling my hair out, and some people that i work with were getting frustrated and kinda yelled at me =[ but it was all good...im still in training which means i don't get to keep my tips which stinks but i think we're soon off of training which will be nice. It's extra money and so far we've only had to work one day a week which is REALLY nice and i hope it stays that way.

But anyways....while i was washing tables, i was thinking (which i do WAY too much of) and I was thinking about how I'm actually petrified to be in another relationship right now. Like, i like being in a relationship but I'm afraid to get too close to him because of what happened before. I dont' want another broken heart. He says he's not gonna break it....but i know thats not true. Guys are guys, and for the most part their all alike when it comes to girls (at least most of them) I'm the kind of girl who falls hard for a guy. I'm not one who can just go out with a guy and then when he breaks up with me...go for another guy without having any time in their to "woe" and cry my eyes out...(whatever anyone wants to say, im not.) But yeah....I just got really scared when i was thinking about it....I have a tendency to think about stuff that scares me so bad, i'll end up in tears or just like EXTREMELY scared...so when i was thinking about getting hurt...again....i just fell into this feeling of extreme sadness....i got out of it but it just i dont' know...scares me....it's kinda hard to explain. I know God will take care of me and He won't give me too much to handle. But sometimes i wonder how far i can make it.

Well, I'm going to bed...I have to get up early tomorrow morning....again....because we're going to my grandparents house and i have to pick Joe up at 7:30 which means I'm going to be getting up super early...ughh...oh well....good night!


And God Bless!!

Fun, Fun, and More Fun =]

Oh my. I am SO exhausted. And getting sicker by the minute. But I am having so much fun even though i am still very stressed with school. Let's see last night, Joe, Mary Beth, Jenny, Eric, and I stayed at the school until like 6:00 working on our Econ project. We had to make a commercial and we had so much fun doing it, even though we had to do it like three times over because we couldnt' stop laughing. And it was fun even though i was ready to go home after we were done because i had an econ test to study for and a Bible book review to type. Which i got both done even though i had to stay up late doing them. And then today we got out at 1:35 to go to the guys soccer tournament game. Most of the girls that went, french braided their hair and we had white and red ribbon in it and we painted out faces! And on the way home, genius me, spilt half my frosty on my sweatshirt because i wasn't paying attention. I looked down for no apparent reason and my black sweatshirt was white! It was awful lol so Natalie and Joe found me a lot of napkins and helped me clean it up lol.....It was so much fun and i took soo many pictures. I wish i could put them on here but unfortunatly i can't because this computer is SO slow....but maybe ill try to get them on here somehow sometime (i doubt it, lol) And then since the guys won we're going tomorrow at 12:30 and doing it alll over again lol....i'm so excited and it makes school much more bearable. And the people haven't called us into work for this weekend YET...which makes me VERY happy because maybe they won't call us in at all which would make me SUPER HAPPY!!! lol because i have mucho plans for this weekend (kind of) lol.....

It is so great to for once in a long time...be happy. The sadness still remains but it only comes up every once in awhile now instead of every second of every day. I'm beginning to find better friends in people who were my friends but i just didnt' talk to them as much as i do now...and that my one friend who i did talk to a lot im not talking to that much =[ which is sad.......and i don't really know what to do about it but i guess time will tell...

I don't really know what else to say. I don't have much to say. But here's a random thing from Bible class......we're doing this study and we have movies to go along with it, and in the movie there was a scene about how some people say things intentionally to hurt others. Grant it some people instigate it but its still not nice to say hurtful things to people, or right. We need to be aware of others feelings. They might say something hurtful to you and someone might stick up for by saying something mean back. You should tell them that saying that was wrong because it is. You dont' know what that person is going through, they may have said something mean to you because their dealing with something in their life. That doesn't make it right for them to be mean to you AT ALL but you need to take it into consideration. But I just think that if we as people would work harder at being nice to everyone we meet, it would make this terrible, miserable, unhappy world a better place.....anything helps.


Well, I'm going to bed or at least get ready for bed. I'm so sick lol.....so Good night!!


God Bless!!!


And Go JMS Boys!!!

Random

So its 9:30 at night and i should be going to bed or doing homework but instead I'm updating. I'm great with having my priorities in order, aren't I? (haha.) Well, today was remotely fun at school. Soccer practice was fun and this thursday and friday our boys are going to a tournament! And we get to go with! Yay! And then after that we have only one more game and soccer is over! You'll very rarely find me saying this but i do believe this soccer season is ending. We had a terrible season and there are just too many girls not dedicated enough to come to pracitce and games and such. Which kinda stinks to those of us who want to have a good season. But oh well. The end of this week should be fun even though i'm a bit overwhelmed with my homework at the moment.

I'm trying to keep happy in the midst of things. Joe told me tonight, "come to school happy tomorrow." So i'm trying to keep things on the "light" side right now and keep my spirits up even though in reality i want to cry or scream or something! But hey life's too short right? You have to dance in the rain sometimes! You have to get out and have some fun every once in a while. (Which is going to be hard since i got a new job :( which i dislike very much. But its another chance to show people God even though it will take a lot of my weekend plans :( oh well i guess)

But anywho, I'm getting sick so i better get to bed....

but i will say this...i'm reading this book for Bible class....and it talks about how the youth can't tell right from wrong anymore. It has some really good stuff in it. We have to look at the origin (God, the Source of Truth) to determine waht is right and wrong. The book says that it comes down to our parents. Our parents have left other people raise us and teach us things. They expect our teachers, pastors, sunday school teachers, etc. to teach us the things we know. They have not taken the responsibility on themselves to raise us properly. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and they have done a pretty good job of raising me and my siblings, i'm just saying what the book said. But in a way i agree with it. When was the last time, if ever, your parents took a real life event or TV show or something and said "now, what can you tell me about how God would see that and how the world would see that" (not exactly like that but something like that) It's just somethign to think about.

Quick and boring post i know, i'm sorry, im just so tired.......And now since my eyes are drooping and my throat is hurting...i'm out.


Trying to be Happy =]


God Bless!!

Annoyed

Finding a place to take my frustration out. I thought i was "through the corn maize" but obviously i'm not. I just feel really "ugh" right now...I'm angry, I'm happy, I'm depressed, I'm this, I'm that, and i can't sort through my feelings any better than i could a few months ago. Everything is still soo confusing. A little less confusing yes but there are still SO many things that are unanswered and un-asked. I just don't care anymore. I don't care about school or my grades or anything. It's getting annoying and stuff. This is one of the worst emotionally feeling day that i've had in a long while. Which i guess is good except that i hate feeling this way at any time even if it is only once in awhile! I wish life was simple. I hate being upset when i don't know why. It's just one of those days, ugh. I mean i partially know why but partially not.

Part of the reason is because i just don't understand how people can hurt other people whom they "love." It doesn't make much sense. I mean obviously theres a reason behind it, which i somewhat understand but not really. It almost makes me mad. That i left someone hurt me so bad that my heart was so crucshed that it is still being put back together after all this time. I know that people don't purposely hurt other people at least most of the times. I just don't understand why people can't give you a reason. It feels great....not feeling like your not good enough. That is one of the worst feelings....knowing that in other people's eyes you weren't good enough. Man, does that hurt. And I do know maybe it wasn't inteded to be that way, or i wasn't supposed to feel that way or get that "drift" or whatever you say....but i did.....

There are things you will never know. My fault that i didn't speak up, I know. Some of them are written in letters, that i had planned on giving you at some point, but i think ive decided not to, at least for now, that are stuck in a box in my closet. Surprisingly its been awhile since i've opened that box. It will open soon enough though because i have to put more stuff in it. The last letter (if i get to writing it) included.

Thats just one of the reasons i'm feeling so lousy though...i couldnt' explain the rest to you because i can't even explain it to myself, which i hate...I just ugh i don't know anymore......hopefully this will past....

not a very happy post but none the less a post....


God Bless.

Corn Maize

I just got back from a corn maize with four of my friends. It was a great time with just the girls haha. But it was exhausting. A thought came to me though....just now actually that being in a corn maize has kind of been like my life for the past few years. I've been stuck in a maize and couldn't find my way out. Just like Natalie couldn't get out. The rest of us cut through the corn *shhh...we're not supposed to do that* lol....but Natalie wanted to find the way out so we had to go back in and get her. Sometimes we get so fed up with trying to get out of the "maize" we're going through we try to take short cuts. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes things worse. Or you get tired like Dove and I did, and just wanted to give up. You are so emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted that you just want to drop over and give up on everything you're going through. Either you find your own way out or you need help from God, family, or friends. Life is so ironic. You can take the simplest things and apply them to your life if you really think about it. I've found my way out of the "big maize" in my life...but i feel that their is still a rope attached to me keeping me from being completely free of my maize. I'm not exactly sure why though.

But i officially am sick of corn maizes lol and i've only been to one. It was because i wore the wrong shoes though i think, haha. Nah. It wasn't too bad. It was actually fun, even though i'm tired now. But because it's still a gorgeous night I'm going to go take a walk with my puppy =]



God Bless!

Square Dancin'

I know i just posted like thursday but i just had to tell you how much of a blessing saturday night was. The square dancing was SO much fun. It was the first time in a long while that i laughed and smiled literally the entire night. I forgot how good that felt. The only downside was that it was extremely hot and i was sweating so bad it was gross but it was worth it. Sampson came along and of course he ate up all the attention he got. Poor dog was so hot thought, he layed on his back with his paws up in the air most of the time. It was so cute, lol.

But back to the square dancing. I still can't believe i had that much fun. It was honestly the most fun I've had in a few years. It beat going to the movies or shopping anyday. It was good clean wholesome fun. There is so much to learn about how they did things back in the "old days." It really is a shame that we have drifted from a lot of the customs or whatever you want to do it. Like the dancing today, would have never been allowed back then. The square dancing was clean, just all around fun. I have said so many times this weekend how i would have loved to live back in the olden days. Today i was down in liverpool at this campsite with my grandparents and some family friends and we took a ferry across the river and were walking through a town and we saw this old house. It was absolutly gorgeous. The landscaping was so great and the flowers were beautiful. The people who owned it gave us a tour of the downstairs (their re-doing it) and it was so pretty. It was my dream house. Unfortunatly, today a house like that would cost probably a couple million dollars to build. The porch was my favorite though. It was a huge wrap around porch with white wicker chairs and tables and it was just soo pretty lol. So yeah God definatly blessed me with a great weekend. (well at least the square dancing and seeing that house, lol)

Well, I'm going to bed because I am exhausted. =]



God Bless!!<3

School

Hey Everybody! I'm back! haha. I've been very busy lately so i haven't had time to post and i don't really have much to post about. I'm very stressed with my homework and everything in life at this moment. But everyday I come home my puppy (Sampson) makes me smile and gives me happiness. I am the luckiest sister in the world to have such a great twin sister. She got me a very expensive St. Bernard puppy, which i've wanted for a very long time. I cried when she gave it to me, I was so happy =]. Unfortunatly, he has to be home alone most days when i go to school and i don't have much time to play with him because of my school work =[ but this weekend should be fun. He's coming to my soccer game Friday night, then I'm taking him camping possibly Friday to Saturday with my grandparents, and then Saturday possibly out to some festival where my sister goes to college, and then to a "square dancing party" saturday night at my pastor's house, where i will not be square dancing, lol. (well most likely unless someone makes me). So i have a very busy weekend.

So just a little bit about what God has been doing in my life. He's still being 'silent' in my opinion anyway but i do think He's been showing me a few things. I won't say what those few things are, I'll just say that trusting God is so important. And developing the ability to trust Him fully sooner in your life would be a very good idea. I've struggled with trusting Him completly with my life and my future plans. Trust doesn't exactly come easy to me. Well it kind of does now, but in certain areas it doesn't. But i think i'm learning to trust God more which is great for me! Sampson was definatly an answer to my prayers. He allows me to put all my thinking and energy into one place that makes me happy and forget about everything, well most of the times. However, i've cleaned up one too many messes for my liking. He is a big handful. I like him as a puppy but i'm excited for him to get big, really big! haha well i have to leave for school now so i'm not late. We have a very far away soccer game so we get out at 12:30! yay! Hopefully, I'll post something more interesting later when i have more time!

God Bless you all!!

Pain

Well, today was the first day of school. Another year, new beginnings and new memories. Unfortunatly, it wasn't that great of a day for me. But oh well, what can you do?



So i don't have much to say because i'm kind of sad right now so its going to be a sad post.



If you've ever had a broken heart you know what I'm saying. So this is for all of yan's who've had broken hearts wether it be from a guy, friend, family member, or whatever. I feel for everyone who's had a broken heart, it's not fun at all. And nothing anyone says will help. I mean you might see what their saying at that moment but it doesn't matter because they can't make the pain go away. And some people just get to the point where there sick of hearing about it and then you have no one to turn to because you don't want to bother anyone. You can and should turn to God. And maybe He'll give you His grace and maybe He won't. If your one of the people who don't feel like your being given His grace it could be for one or two reasons. (probably more but these are the two i thought of) 1) God is putting you through a trial and wants to see how long you can hold up or perservere or whatever. He will push you to your limits but not over. 2) Your not willing to recieve His grace or looking to recieve it or something like that. I don't exactly know what category I'm in. It's not that I'm unwilling to receive His grace....No i don't think that's it at all because believe me, i'm more than willing to receive it even though i dont' deserve it. And it could be the first one, i'm just not sure really....and that might sound awful, but that doesn't mean i'm like a terrible person just a confused and hurting person. And when your confused and hurting it makes things a whole lot worse. Just try not to get angry at God, because if you thought it was bad before, it will be ten times worse. It's so much better to have Him by your side, even sometimes when He's silent. It's like that Barlow Girl song....."I believe in God, even when He is silent."



But back to talking to people about why your hurting and such. Some people just get sick of hearing it beacuse its over and over again and you don't want to bother them. Then you keep it all inside of you and you shut yourself in your little "castle" and draw up the "drawbridge" so no one can get in and that hurts even more because then you don't allow yourself to talk to anyone and everything bottles up inside. Which is what I'm going through right now kind of. People don't ask and I normally don't share or if i do its just little things becasue i sometimes feel that they just don't care anymore. Or everything's going great for them so why should they bother with me. If you feel that way, just type an email to yourself or write out everything on a piece of paper and put it in a box. Do whatever you can to get those bottled up emotions out.



And...i really have no idea what I'm really saying. I'm just very "ugh" right now...like really emotionally a wreck...I've cried or almost cried at least twice a day for the past 4 days. Don't be afraid to cry. It helps sometimes.





And if you, ever read this, i would say......'You weren't just a "friend" or whatever it was that we were, to me....you were a best friend and someone i could talk to about..most things...and i knew you'd always be there for me. I never thought things would be like this and it's killing me more every day. I can't pretend anymore. I don't know how you are..or if you even are pretending anymore. Which if your not, then that's okay. It hurts but its your choice. I feel like i have no one to hold a conversation with that doesn't want to talk about this or that or this person or whatnot...you were just someone to talk about random things with and you didn't always mind that i was shy ( i kno you did sometimes) And i know maybe i wasn't completely myself around you, and if i could do it over i would be myself around you....but i felt that i knew you somewhat.....know i feel like i don't know you at all....i feel like one of my good friends knows you better than i do. I don't even know what your car looks like half the time....which hurts. Maybe this isn't how it is for you...but i feel like you don't care anymore...at all.....i have never felt more alone in my entire life as i do know. I know I'm not alone. I'll always have God. but i still just feel alone. I have tried, okay? I honestly have tried but i'm not getting anywhere. I take one step forward and 10 steps back. Everytime i think i've moved on i know i haven't deep down. I just miss you more than ever, and i hate it that when i need someone just as a friend to turn to..i don't have you anymore............."





so yeah.....I'm sorry for all who have felt pain as deep as i have and deeper. because i know there are people who are hurting wayy more than i am. there is just no way to describe why your hurting and how your hurting to anyone, you can't even explain it to yourself most of the time. you just know that the pain is real and that it will remain there deep down forever. even if you've managed to move on with your life. that pain will always be there....




but on a happier note when we reach heaven there will be no more sadness or pain or tears...everything will be perfect, absolutly perfect!



God Bless!

Camp Services

Okay, so i promised some notes on the camp services. I don't have that many i guess you just had to be there to get the full message of the service so my notes will be very brief but I'll try to expand them a little from what i remember.

The first night we were there, the service was mainly about choosing to live for God. We can make choices but we can't go back. So we have to choose wisely. Choose to obey and live long. That's all my 'notes' say but that message was really good and i just wrote down somethings that i really liked and other things that i really liked i didn't get down because i was trying to really listen...but it is true. If we life for Christ then our lives will be SO much better. Sure there will be difficult times, living for Christ doesn't erase difficult times. You will go through difficult times that will help strengthen your walk with Christ. No one said living for Christ would be easy but its worth it. You don't want to make the wrong choice and have to deal with the consequences, even though so many times we do.

The second message was probably one of my favorites. The speaker (Eric Heimlech) talked about Trusting God. We can choose what road we're going to take but where is your road leading you? Who are you trusting your life with? Many of us put our lifes in our own hands. Ha. That won't get us very far. Unfortunatly, many of us do take our own lifes in our own hands instead of trusting God with it. Our lives would be so much better if we'd just leave them in God's hands and stop making our own choices. We need to surrender every area of our lives to Him, we cannot hold on to anything we just have to give it all up at once and try not to bring it back once we give it up which it's sometimes hard not to try to bring it back but you just have to keep praying over and over and over. 'Pray without ceasing.' We also need to seek God in everything we do; our decisions, what we should be when we're older, who we're going to marry, where we go to college, what friends we make, etc. Every area of our lives should be focused and pointed towards God, not just some areas, every area. See it's like this: Your on a cliff and you can either stay far away from the edge and be safe, or you can venture forward to the edge, and balance with your feet on the edge of it. Where are you at? At one point and time in everyone's life, they have been balancing on the edge of a cliff. It's not an easy place to be and it hurts but you have to do everything you can to get away from that edge until you're safely back away from it. That night, the Lord spoke to me in so many ways. I understand some things in a certain situation that i didn't think i'd ever understand, but i realized some things that really opened my eyes, not completely but in some areas. And it was funny because that day at camp was just not really a great day. I mean i was having fun and stuff but i was thinking way to much about various things and then that evening we had this message and it just really hit home.

Then the third message. I will admit by this time i was exhausted and i did hear parts of the message but didn't hear a lot of it. I do remember though that it was about getting rid of all the 'trash' in our lifes so that we could be more open to what God has in store for our lives. He told us a story about this man who was a bum and lived with these other bums and all the did was collect trash and get dirty (they hadn't taken showers in years). They had these huge piles of trash. And then one day someone who was witnessing to these people told this man how he could be free and took him to be baptized in this river and be cleansed. The man went with the person witnessing and got cleansed and he came back to tell all of his friends what had happened but none of them wanted to hear about it. But this man was so excited and he was jumping up and down. He got a job and then one day he went back to that familiar trash pile and he started looking through it. And he was like oh i could use that sometime, oh! and this! until he had picked up so many things that he fell beneath the weight and he was right back where he started. In the trash. So many times we let the past come back to us and we take up our old ways. We need to leave our trash pile for good. The past is the past. we're living in the present. What happens in the past stays in the past. We learn from our mistakes, we don't turn around and do them all over again (well, sometimes we do). But it was jsut about how we needed to clean out our trash piles and leave them there. (So i remembered more than i thought of the last service, haha) And i'll add this because it kinda fits in. Tonight when i was making myself some supper. I went to open some cream cheese to put on a bageal and it was moldy (i about puked when i saw it) but i just thought. Sin is like mold. It grows on you and sometimes you don't even realize it until it gets so nasty that you have to do something about it. Throw it out. Just like we need to throw moldy cream cheese away, we need to throw away all that trash in our lives so that we can live freely for Christ.

I know I say all this stuff, but just because i say it doesn't mean that I'm like doing it perfect every time. Not at all. I get it wrong more times than i get it right. It's just something for you and me to think about so we can improve our lives for Christ.

But i'll end with a quote that the speaker kept saying over and over which was really good.


"Sin is not just the breaking of a law; it's a missing of an opportunity"

Camp

I'm Back!! And i am totally exhausted. The first night i was there we only got like 3 and a half hours sleep and last night we got about 5 or so hours of sleep. We were gonna sneak out and rig some pranks oustide the guys cabins but we weren't going to do it till like 4 in the morning so we set alarms and at 4 Kayla came to get us up but we were all dead tired that we decided not to do it lol. But i had a blast. well kind of. the first day was okay. my sister and friend got in the same group and i was all bymyself = [ and im a shy person so i was like really scared but i knew the one girl from last year, Amber, she's quiet like me, okay shes probably way more quiet than i am, but she's a really sweet girl, and then a new girl Tiffany was on my team and she was seriously like Lindsey Lohan's twin (at least how lindsey looked in like the parent trap) it was soo funny how close she looked like lindsey but she was reallly outgoing and we became good friends. we got 4th place though haha but we tied for first in our Bible skits (ours was hilarious) but anyway we just did activities practically the entire day adn stuff....w/ a morning and evening service. so yeah, the first day was good, then the second day, i was just kinda feeling ugh and not haveing the best of time but the evening service pretty much turned that around it was amazing...our speaker was soo good (i'll post on some of the stuff later but im exhuasted so im just posting this for now) but it was just..yeah amazing.....the speaker was talking about trusting completly in God and stuff and giving everything to Him...it was jsut a really moving service...and there was an alter call and like everyone almost went up which was really cool.....and everyone was crying...i think it's the first time i've cried in a few weeks (ha.) but it was definatly a touching story and i felt a burden lifted off my shoulders and wow. but it was truly an incredible three days. some parts were a little "ahh" but thats okay i met a lot of really nice people and got to know the girls a lot better this year
yesterday i got so embarressed tho. after we were done playing softball Amber and i took off for the showers cuz we only had 4 showers and we didn't have that long to get ready so everyone always goes for the showers when its time...well Amber thought it was time so we get all our stuff and went to the showers and then Amber forgot her flip flops so she went to get them and so i go in the shower and she came back and she's like "Christa!! its not shower time!! we have to do a relay!!" and i was like oh my word!! you are kidding me!! and she wasn't which was awful!! so i had to get out of the shower and just throw my hair up and then go do this stupid relay race and then when it was actually time for showers i had to get back in the shower to finish my shower that i had started *very embarressing* let me tell you....and its still embarressing but its funny too
but anways i'm am EXHAUSTED and i have to work tomorrow and it's 11:30 so i guess i should get to bed....i'll post more about camp later when i have time and catch up on some sleep!

God Bless!!

Hey Everybody! I know i haven't posted in awhile and this is going to be a boring post and a short one at that. But i dont' really have time right now and i haven't really thought of anythign to post about. I'm in the middle of packing for a church camp im going to until friday which should be fun but i guess we'll see how it goes. I'm excited for the music and hopefully the speaker is good..and of course i just love, love, love, wearing skirts all day =] and then its back to work on saturday but thankfully i get three days break except for the fact that i'll be at camp but oh well it's a break right?


Randomness: I read this morning in Gensis in the study part of my Bible that people today name their kids after appealing names or whatever...and back in Bible times they named their children after what was going on in their life at the time of the child's birth. For example, when Leah had Levi she named him so because Levi meant attatched and she said that now that she had given Jacob three sons that he would be attactched to her or something like that..i'm doing this from memory so that might not be totally correct but i just thought that was kind of cool and interesting



Well i better get back to packing and get too bed because i'm exhausted. And since i just spent like 20 minutes trying to get pictures on here but not succeeding i'm going to go haha. I'll hopefully post something better sometime next week. Maybe i'll tell you about the messages at camp if their good. I'll take notes, so i remember. Haha. I have a very bad memory. Alright I'm going.



May God Bless You All!

Genesis 22

I'm posting...again.

This time its about Genesis 22 and if you read it before you read this post it will probably make a lot more sense, but i'll try to fill you in if you dont' read it. I read it this morning in my devotions and some things really stuck out to me.

Genesis 22 is when God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only and long awaited son. This chapter is pretty much all about obedience. (And again a lot of this stuff with come from the 'study' part of my Bible) God was testing Abraham to see if Abraham loved God or his son more. I'll make a point with this. We need to have God first in our lives at ALL times. I know i haven't always had Him first in my life. There are so many things that we get caught up in and it's sometimes hard to make time for God which is absolutly AWFUL. God does not expect you to be perfect twenty four seven. He knows you are going to sin and fall short. ( theres that verse in Romans "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" that's not word perfect i dont' think but it goes something like that) Okay on to the next point. God does not test us to see us trip and fall. He tests us to deepen our relationship with Him and develope our character. Instead of complaining or being upset/frustrated we need to embrace the difficult circumstance and let God build our character up. ( ha. I'm great at that, let me tell you. definatly being sarcastic but im working on it) Obeying God does not come naturally or easy and we're not always gonna get it right. Obeying God may mean making sacrifices we dont' want to make but in the end we will be blessed for it and you never know, the sacrifice you made, God might allow it to come back to you. And sometimes, like Abraham, we have to 'sacrifice' someone or something in our hearts before God allows us to have that thing or that person back in our lifes. And then He will provide what we need, in Abraham's case it was a ram. If we obey God, His blessings will outweigh our sacrifices by far.
Just like Abraham almost sacrificed his son, God did sacrifice His Son. Although it's a sad thing that God did not spare His Son and allowed Him to die for us (which we don't even deserve God's love) we should be thankful He didn't spare His Son because if He hadn't we'd be in a lot of trouble and wouldn't be able to expierence God's grace and an amazing eternity in heaven.

God Bless!!

People

Do you ever stop and just realize how many people affect and impact your life? I did tonight under the stars with my best friend. I've come to realize that this quote (i dont' think im wording it right but anyway it goes something like this) something about people walking into your life and its up to you who walks out of your life. Ive realized taht its not really up to us who walks out of our lives. To some extent it is up to us...but in reality its up to God and the other person. I've...had a person walk out of my life. Somone...so special to me and i didn't want him to walk out of my life but i could do nothing to stop him. So you see, you can't stop someone from walking out of your life. you just hope and pray that God brings them back in your life. and as hard as it may be to see if God doesn't bring them back into your life...then you kno that God is going to give you something so much better. no matter how much it hurts at the moment to know that there is a possiblity that, that person might not come back into your life. And sometimes for that person to come back into your life you just have to let go first and move on and leave your future in the hands of the One who knows best, God. Obviously, everyone struggles with that tho, especially me, but i know things will work out for the better and i just have to choose the path God leads me to. We all have a choice you know. So when your heart is telling you something follow it because if your heart is filled with God then you will be moving in the right direction. When i look at my life in the past like 2 or so years and i see what has happened, i'm hurt, but then i think of all the other people who have been hurt way more than me and have had to deal with so much more. it makes my problem feel so small but yet its so significant to me.


I feel as though i've lost someone that is/was supposed to be in my life...for longer than he was. maybe God will bring him back in my life. I can only hope and pray that He does however i know that if He doesnt' i'm going to eventually be okay with that fact. It's wierd how when you open your heart up to someone it always manages to get broken in some way. in my case, it's been shattered into a million pieces and i feel it will take me a long time until i finally get all those pieces back together again but i guess thats just the healing process of it all. And that brings me to another point. Best Friends. Where i would be without my best friends. ha. I have had so many memories with my best friends theres too many to count and lately ive been thinking about all the memories i've made with them like painting the table to put in our swing set and making a pulley to pull stuff up in the swing set with the triplets minus their brother (haha) and a more recent one, walking on the road in the dark singing as loud as we could "Jesus loves Me, and Jesus Loves the Little Children" beacuse we were scared out of our minds and then running from a tractor we thought was chasing us until we were safely laying in the grass looking up at the stares with my other best friend. It's just incredible how God has placed each person in our lives to make us feel happy or well...not so happy...but thats beside the point. Every person who has come into my life and given me so many memories to look back on and yes some of them hurt to remember (not because i wish i hadn't made the memories at all) *Sigh.* I don't know. ( and i have no idea how i went from what i was first talking about to this right now but oh well)


On a side note. The stars were beautiful tonight. My friend and i were talking about how incredible it would be to go to outerspace but yet how much more complicated it would make things. For instance, the stars alone are amazing to look at but think if you were to go to outerspace and see all the other amazing things God has created up there. I think the earth is big but if i saw the universe/galaxy/whatever it is, i dont' think i could even begin to comprehend it (not that i can now) I don't think any human being can fully grasp how big God is, no one can fathom whats beyond the universe and whatever else is out there (no idea if i used the word 'fathom' right but i like the word lol, its from the one song, 'no one can fathom the depths of your love' i think thats what it says anyways i think its from the song indescribable. haha) But seriously its just amazing when you think about it and sometimes its kinda scary if you really think about it in a way and for some people But How can anyone even begin to say that the earth was not created by God? There is no way you could explain it except for totally and completely amazing and that doesn't even cover the half of it.


Well, I guess this post is long enough for now. I have to get to bed anymore. Work in the morning you know *so excited* (being sarcastic of course lol) I'll end with some quotes.


"No matter how much something hurts.. somehow letting go of it seems to hurt worse.."



"Friends are like balloons; once you let them go, you might not get them back. Sometimes we get so busy with our own lives and problems that we may not even notice that we've let them fly away. Sometimes we are so caught up in who's right and who's wrong that we forget what's right and wrong. Sometimes we just don't realize what real friendship means until it is too late. I don't want to let that happen so I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I
never lose you."



"It's funny how certain things trigger memories.Like, songs, smells, stuff like that.Some make you sad, and some capture you in a momentary deja vu.You can just close your eyes, and you are then captured in the past."

^ this is what im talking about with the memories. Like tonight while i was laying in the grass, the weather, the place, and the smell of the air alone just brought me so many memories. Wouldn't it be so nice if we coudl revisit the past and do things over? That would be so great in some cases but thats not how God works, which is a good thing so i guess i'll never revisist the past and change things but oh well God's taking care of that =] because if we could do that we wouldn't grow and learn from our mistakes. God has it all figured out we just have to let His plan take its course.

God truly is amazing isn't He?

God Bless!!

Be Kinder than Necessary

This world is becoming an evil and bitter place. What happened to the saying "Do unto others, as you would have them do unto you." There are so many people out there who act friendly to your face but stab you in the back when your not around. When you read that do you immediatly think of someone who has done that to you? Or do you think "wow, i've done that to." If you did think of someone else thats fine, but dont' forget that you have done it to at some point and time in your life. If you have never done that (which is highly unlikely) i'll say wow, way to go!" I'll admit, i've done it, although im not proud of it, and am disappointed in myself. Everyone has done it (at least that i know of). Like the other day at a place i won't specify, my sister and i were cleaning up and she found a piece of paper that had our names on it, beside my name it said "thin", and beside my sisters name is said "a little more" now we know the person who wrote it and we were highly disappointed to think that this lady would say something about my sister like that. although i know she wouldnt' admit it, it hurt her. Why was something like that written on a piece of paper? Why does it matter? And Why were they talking about us? There is no simple explaination to a situation like this (and by the way my sister is not "a little more" than me at all she is jsut as thin as me) Lately people at this specific place have been insulting my sister and mine's weight among other various hurtful things. I don't know if they realize their hurting us or what. It comes down to the whole world pressure thing. The world says to girls that they have to be skinny. God tells us that we just have to be who we are and follow Him. Although this piece of paper im sure hurt my sister, it doesn't matter, because agian the only person that we have to measure up to is God, we have to obey His standards and His standards only. So whatever motivates those people to make fun of my sister and i, can motivate them. We dont' have to listen to them and should be so grounded in our relationship with God that it shouldn't bother us. I mean yes it is hurtful to hear things like that, and yes we all do the same thing, but i am trying to not be that way. I dont' want to be that way at all but because of human and sinful nature I am that way unfortunatly. If we would all just try a little harder to be kind to everyone we come in contact with, this world would be a better place. Every little nice thing you do can improve this world and make others feel loved and cared for.

"Be kinder than Necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle"

Family

I know this is my second post today but thats okay lol. Tonight i had a semi wonderful time with my family when we went out to eat. It makes me feel how blessed i am to have all my siblings and both my parents. Right now there are so many deaths of friends and family that i know it seems to be unreal and i just realize as we were talking tonight how blessed i am to have all my immediate family with me. I mean yeah not everything is great with the family and obviously we fight a lot! but at least we still have eachother...as much as i think that i can't stand someone in my family at certain times, i kno that if anything would happen to them i'd be devestated. which brings me to a point that i just thought of....we are so devestated when we lose family members or friends and are semi happy when their with us here on earth. God is devestated (in a way, and again this is just my train of thought here i could be wrong) when we are here on earth participating in all the sinful acts of this world but he rejoices when we join Him in heaven (if we are His followers). I mean yes God still feels the people's pain that we leave behind here on earth. but He's rejoicing because we've finally come back to Him and left this sinful and evil world behind us. But overall, I am very blessed to have my family members with me. I'm blessed that i still have my brother and sisters, and have both my parents. Some kids are not so fortunate and for them my heart breaks, it really does. However, there are times when i just don't appreciate my family memebers too, which is awful to say but i think most if not all of us at one point have felt annoyed or very angry with someone in our family. Family is a blessing to have, although many times not appreciated or looked at as a blessing.

Well thats it for this post, i'm not really in a "thinking" mode right now otherwise i'd go on to something else and plus i have to get to bed because i am again working tomorrow, on a saturday, crazy, i kno. haha alright well i'll end with a quote.

"We are one big family of people, trying to make our way through the unfolding puzzle of life. We are all connected to one another in the heart. Connecting with the ultimate source of love is possible through discovering the hidden power in your heart."

Be Who You Are

Hey Everybody! Just another post about ourselves. Right now I'm going through a change i guess you could say. I'm trying to be who i am and not who other people want or expect me to be. I'm doing stuff that i normally don't do because i was always like man what are they gonna say about it. I tend to be one of those people who care what others think and get easily embarressed. But ya know what, I'm sick of trying to be who others want me to be. I just want to be me. Wear what i want to wear do my hair how i want to do it and other things. If people come up to me and be like why are you wearing that or something, I'm just going to say because i want to or feel like it or just because i can. Dare to be Different. It seems that everyone these days are conforming to the world. (i have in some ways, and everybody does even if they dont' realize it) doing what the "cool" thing is. Like now i feel that everyone is pressured to be as skinny as they possibly can. it doesn't matter that their starving theirselves and making themselves unhealthy by trying to be as skinny as that girl or this girl. I know almost every girl looks in the mirror at some point and time and doesn't like what she sees. but stop caring! you are who you are. if you think your a little overweight exercise or eat healthier but don't go crazy with it! and if you think your not beautiful, just tell yourself that you are. remember we only have to be beautiful for God. thats it! Stop worrying about what other people will say about you. If they want to say bad things about you, then let them, and pray for them that whatever is wrong in their life that causes them to make fun of others will improve and that problem in their life will disappear so that they can see how much they've hurt you and others. I'm a very self-concious person. If i wear something i like and later feel stupid for wearing it ( i did the other day) but i just made that thought disappear. who cares. I'm being me and who God wants me to be and thats all that matters. We don't have to measure up to anyones standards but God's! So stop living for other people and start living for God!!


Sorry guys, this post was kind of pointed towards girls as most of my posts will probably be becasue well i'm a girl, haha. Alright well i have to get ready for work yet and then tonight after work i think i'm going to a resturaunt with my family for a sea food buffet, which i'm excited for because i love sea food!

God Bless!

Self Worth

I'll start off by saying I am a Christian. I want to follow what God's plans are for my life. It may not always be easy and i may sometimes feel like taking things into my own hands but i have the desire and need to follow His plan for my life; not my own plan. I want God's light to shine brightly through me so that i can touch other people's lives and show them who God is. I'm not a great writer at all and you may find my blogs boring and maybe sometimes confusing but thats all right because if i know i'm touching at least one person's life on this blog then i know i'm doing something right. Now on to my first post!

I'm reading the book of Genesis right now. I'm past chapter 1 but there is some pretty strong stuff in that chapter that you might not see right away. I didn't. (I have a study Bible so i will be getting some of what i say out of it and just expanding on it.)

A lot of teenagers struggle with self worth. They go through that stage where their not good enough or pretty enough or "whatever" enough. Other kids make fun of them and call them names. And the sad thing is, we've all done it. Every single one of us has put someone else down multiple times even though when people put us down we get hurt too. And it's not always other kids putting us down. We also put ourselves down. In Genesis 1:26-27 it says '"Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.' We were made in God's image. ("We have the ability to reflect his character in our love, patience, forgiveness, kindness, and faithfulness.")That alone gives us self worth. I mean think about it, really think about it, we are sinners right? and God knew we would be sinners but He still chose us to be made in HIS likeness even though He is WAY better than us. Today self worth is based on 'possessions, achievements, physical atrractivesness, and public acclaim.' If we criticize ourselves, or others criticize us they/we are criticizing what God has made and the ablities He's given us. If you continue to read into the next few verses of Genesis 1 it tells how God viewed His creation as 'very good.' We are part of His creation and He made us for a good reason. The only person that we have to be valuable to is God. Sure it's nice to be valued by other people but if at times you don't feel valued or loved by other people, just tell yourself that God values you and thats enough because in the end He's the only one that matters! Especially today, teenagers are pressured to look "good" and if you don't feel that your pretty or that you look geeky or ugly or "not cool" its hard and you try to do everything you can to feel good about youself sometimes taking drastic measures or getting upset about it. Or maybe you think someone doesn't think your pretty or cool or something and it hurts you really bad. All those feelings and more can make you feel like junk and it hurts. (okay that kind of got confusing) but the bottom line is that you dont' have to be pretty on the outside, you just have to be 'pretty' on the inside, because if your pretty on the inside then you have more beauty on the outside than anyone else does. Show your beauty by being kind to others and showing them God's love. I encourage you to not look down on yourself but remember that God only looks at your inside beauty. He made you the way you are and He thinks your beautiful no matter what!

Alright people, i have to get to bed because i have to work tomorrow. Sorry if the post was boring or confusing but i hope it blesses you! God Bless!