Christmas is 29 days away!! I don't know why but i just love getting ready for Christmas. The music and the decorations, always excite me. And the shopping, i love getting gifts for people, that is if i know what they want, otherwise it can be somewhat stressful. But thanksgiving is tomorrow and let me tell you we have so much to be thankful. We're are going down to my brother's girlfriend's house for thanksgiving dinner and i really don't want to go at all, but then i think, at least i have somewhere to go to, ya know? with food and heat. So i have lots of things to be thankful for, we all do. It's weird though, when things don't neccessarily go our way, we forget to be thankful, and remember that God has a plan for us. It's so hard to keep that in perspective though. I have nothing really imparticular to write about. I'm just bored and waiting to leave. And I don't know, i guess i have a lot on my mind, but i don't really feel like getting into it all, or can't explain it all. I just feel like my life is still a bunch of strings all tangled together, waiting to get untangled but in the process of getting untangled it just gets even more tangled..if that makes sense. but whatever. but here is a poem and some song lyrics that i like.

STORM

How long have i been in this storm?
so overwhelmed by the oceans shapless form
waters getting harder and harder to tread
with these waves crashing over my head

If i could just see you
Everything would be alright
If i'd see you
this darkness would turn to light

And I, will walk on water
And you, will catch me if i fall
And I, will get lost into your eyes
And everything, will be alright,
everything will be alright.

BROKEN

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
that's still beating
In the pain
there is healing
in Your Name
i find meaning
So I'm holding on, I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you.

I'm handin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm handing on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok

__________

from afar.
she watches you.
teardrops form in her eyes
blinking away tears, she
steps out into the light,
acting as if everything is alright.
two hands touching
broken apart by circumstances
not understood to her,
care for you always will she
but you said never will it be.
Your feelings for her you won't admit
from your life, it is her you omit
it was never what she wanted
this storm inside her began to rage
"see the upside" ended the play
but you were no where in sight
thats what she wanted.
to see.
from afar.



or did she?

Trust

feet pounding,
pounding the pavement
heart beating,
beating in my chest,
sweat dripping off my face
look behind my shoulder
chasing.
it's chasing me.
*scream*
it grabs me.
falling to the ground
reaching out,
he doesn't save me
crushed, abandoned, alone,
falling.
it has me and it's taking me away
falling, falling,
light appears.
a hand reaches down
the only hand willing to
risk everything for me.
i grab it
its not too late
falling, falling.
it keeps falling,
hand in hand,
i'm dangling,
slipping, our fingers are slipping
lightening flashes
thunder cracks
sit up and look around
moonlit room,
just a dream...



How many times have you woken up from a dream and been scared because it seemed so real? And you can't help but start crying. I've been there many times, and the dreams haven't even been terrifying dreams. Weird, I know. I've been thinking alot lately, unfortunatly about many things. Some happy, but mostly not. Last night something triggered inside of me, and i went off...then i went to my room and cried and cried like i haven't for a long time. The thing is, i wasn't even crying over what triggered insidse of me. I was crying because i feel like i will never be able to get my complete happiness back. Well, that was part of it. So i was up late crying and thinking and partly studying and i woke up this morning and felt miserable, my eyes hurt all day, and i was just sad and thinking. and then i unloaded on Josh, a friend of mine who is very understanding and sees where i'm coming from, and i just really needed that. It felt good to unload on someone. I dont' do that very often but then i got in a happier mood, not totally happy but happier. And it just makes me thankful that i have friends that are willing to listen to me cry, and complain, and be upset and angry to, and just to talk to. You really find out who your true friends are. They either sympathize with you, tell you to buck up and deal with it, or tell you what your doing wrong. Sometimes you need your friends to yell at you. Josh didn't yell at me in any way shape or form lol. He just let me talk and gave me some advice and actually agreed with me. So i was back to feeling better, and now im down in the dumps again. *Sigh* i hate feelings. one minute your feeling good, the next you feel like everythings crashing down. I mean it could be a lot worse. I did have someone remind me that its not all bad, which i needed because they have it a lot worse. Which got my perspective somewhat back in place. But i don't know. I guess i just have to keep on working to be content with everything in my life. It's so hard, especially when you felt something was SO right, and then it turns out all the wrong ways....that you couldn't even possibly have dreamt of. It's like living in a nightmare.

But anyways, I'm pretty much just rambling i was told to update so i'm updating. It's not a very good one, but there ya go. So I might be getting sucked into my school play. 1. I'm a very bad actress. 2. I'm a very bad actress. 3. I have 30 lines to memorize in 1 day IF i have to do this part. and 4. I hate being in front of people on a stage. AHH. lol oh well I guess we'll see how things go, if i even get the part, i said the only way i would do it, is if i was the last and i mean LAST restort. But i'm going now. I think im going to go shopping by myself cuz im cool like that lol...plus i don't feel like being at home at the moment, and i haven't been shopping in forever, and would like to get a few things, and maybe start my Christmas shopping!! I love buying gifts for people even though i have a terrible time picking things out. I have to get my sister a really really good gift this year because she got me the best gift anyone has ever got me. My St. Bernard puppy!! Who by the way is doing very well, he's just a bit mischevious, haha. Alright i'm going now, have a good weekend!!


God Bless!!

Pictures!

I finally am on my dad's laptop and can download my pictures from my camera on here! So I'll post some pictures of the time my group was at the school working on our Econ project and we were waiting for Jenny's dad to come get her and some pics from the tournament! I don't know how they'll turn out but I'll try lol.

Jenny waiting for her dad to get there and freezing because she wouldn't get in the truck with the rest of us and we locked ourselves out of the school haha.

Marybeth and Eric in the back of the truck. (And Eric trying to steal my money lol)

A picture of the sun that i took. Joe trying to find a good station. (Don't worry he's not driving!! haha)

Baby Forest looking cute as always. (He's my baby according to the Blood Drive people, lol)

All of us girls with our hair braided and faces painted =]

Jena and I!!

Natalie and I being stupid after the game =] I love her!

Natalie and I again at the second game! It was so cold and rainy! Marybeth and I with our face paintings lol

Natalie, me, Dove, and Jenny after we were done painting each others faces!

Well thats it! Hopefully I'll keep posting pictures but it takes a long time so i don't know!

God Bless!!

I don't know...

I know I have a boyfriend....and it's going great...but that still doesn't mean i don't remember...and think about the "previous" guy....especially because the hurt is still so real.....it really is unfair to my boyfriend though.....that i still think about everything and that sometimes i "shrink back" because of what the other guy did or said.....kind of like i'm punishing him for what he did...it seems so unfair....but you know what i've learned...i've learned that promises aren't kept...you can 't believe anything anyone tells you....especially a boyfriend...i mean obviously some things you can...but if they say "i'm gonna love you forever" or "i'll always be here for you".....ha. what a lie... just a plain out lie.....it'd almost be better that they didn't say it at all.....but my one friend and i were talking on the internet and listening to songs and its really creepy because two of these songs applied so well to my one situation..it was weird and depressing and almost made me cry at the same time when i listened to them...one of them "Good bye" by Miley Cyrus and "Sorry" by the Jonas Brothers (two bands i rarely listen to)


I remember the simple things
I remember till I cry
But the one thing I wish I'd forget
The memory I wanna forget
Is goodbye
--Miley


Broken hearts and last goodbyes
Restless nights
But lullabies helps make this pain go away
I realize I let you down
Told you that I'd be around
I'm building up the strength just to say

I'm Sorry
For breaking all the promises that I wasn't around to keep
It's all me,
This time is the last time that I'll ever beg you to stay
But your already on your way

Filled with sorrow, filled with pain
Knowing that I am to blame
For leaving your heart out in the rain
--Jonas Brothers


My response:

i'll keep remembering--
the only thing is
you never begged me to stay
you just pushed me away...




i've nothing else to say
for its impossible this way
to momentarily explain
all this hurting pain....




Good night.

Random, again

So it's Saturday afternoon and i am completely and totally bored. I have a splitting headache that I've had for a week now and can't get rid of it. Stupid sinus infection! And my phone is down at my grandparents house which is highly annoying me...i feel lost with out it.....I mean i don't really need it, i just want to know who all txted me..if anyone has lol...i know i have a missed call from my one friend...but other than that i'm clueless...I guess i could be doing homework and getting ahead and stuff....but i really don't feel like it....i want to be somewhere else but since some people are hunting (haha) and i have to work tonight (argh) i'm not...I hate my job. I have the rest of my life to work and I really really want to quit. The extra money is nice but I don't even get paid that much because I'm a waitress and it's not like the tips are great or anything, but oh well, i'll stick with it through Christmas and see how it goes from there..then i might quit....but we'll see...

Anyways last night, i went to a friend's birthday party and we went on a haunted hayride...It was umm..interesting....the party was fun but i can't say i particularly liked the haunted hayride...yeah it was fun screaming and stuff...but it was just wierd.....i don't really like the whole Halloween thing anymore...when i was younger yeah it was fun to get dressed up in costumes and get the candy and stuff but that was before i knew it was like a whole satanic thing.....(shudders) i really don't like halloween...

But yeah...yesterday i had a pretty bad day....I dont' understand one of my classes and the teacher's not really explaining it that well...so i was almost crying in that class and then i did cry before lunch...i dont' know whats wrong with me....and then Joe and Marybeth came back to the house becuase they we're coming to the party with us and i got all happy and stayed pretty happy through out the night...but then i got home and went to bed...and sometime through the night i woke up crying because of a dream i had....and i haven't dreamt in a really really long time so it was weird...but the dream seemed so real.....and it just kinda depressed me...even though it shouldn't have....but I'm going to get going now...I'm hopefully going to put the final coat of paint on my room today once dad gets home and then that will be done...at least for now until i find stencils that i like...


She looks through the window, wiping her tears
praying God would take away all her fears
She tries to hide all of her pain
for her feelings are so hard to explain
Happy she seems
but its all just a scheme
Hurting inside
she remembers till she cries.....