Pain

Well, today was the first day of school. Another year, new beginnings and new memories. Unfortunatly, it wasn't that great of a day for me. But oh well, what can you do?



So i don't have much to say because i'm kind of sad right now so its going to be a sad post.



If you've ever had a broken heart you know what I'm saying. So this is for all of yan's who've had broken hearts wether it be from a guy, friend, family member, or whatever. I feel for everyone who's had a broken heart, it's not fun at all. And nothing anyone says will help. I mean you might see what their saying at that moment but it doesn't matter because they can't make the pain go away. And some people just get to the point where there sick of hearing about it and then you have no one to turn to because you don't want to bother anyone. You can and should turn to God. And maybe He'll give you His grace and maybe He won't. If your one of the people who don't feel like your being given His grace it could be for one or two reasons. (probably more but these are the two i thought of) 1) God is putting you through a trial and wants to see how long you can hold up or perservere or whatever. He will push you to your limits but not over. 2) Your not willing to recieve His grace or looking to recieve it or something like that. I don't exactly know what category I'm in. It's not that I'm unwilling to receive His grace....No i don't think that's it at all because believe me, i'm more than willing to receive it even though i dont' deserve it. And it could be the first one, i'm just not sure really....and that might sound awful, but that doesn't mean i'm like a terrible person just a confused and hurting person. And when your confused and hurting it makes things a whole lot worse. Just try not to get angry at God, because if you thought it was bad before, it will be ten times worse. It's so much better to have Him by your side, even sometimes when He's silent. It's like that Barlow Girl song....."I believe in God, even when He is silent."



But back to talking to people about why your hurting and such. Some people just get sick of hearing it beacuse its over and over again and you don't want to bother them. Then you keep it all inside of you and you shut yourself in your little "castle" and draw up the "drawbridge" so no one can get in and that hurts even more because then you don't allow yourself to talk to anyone and everything bottles up inside. Which is what I'm going through right now kind of. People don't ask and I normally don't share or if i do its just little things becasue i sometimes feel that they just don't care anymore. Or everything's going great for them so why should they bother with me. If you feel that way, just type an email to yourself or write out everything on a piece of paper and put it in a box. Do whatever you can to get those bottled up emotions out.



And...i really have no idea what I'm really saying. I'm just very "ugh" right now...like really emotionally a wreck...I've cried or almost cried at least twice a day for the past 4 days. Don't be afraid to cry. It helps sometimes.





And if you, ever read this, i would say......'You weren't just a "friend" or whatever it was that we were, to me....you were a best friend and someone i could talk to about..most things...and i knew you'd always be there for me. I never thought things would be like this and it's killing me more every day. I can't pretend anymore. I don't know how you are..or if you even are pretending anymore. Which if your not, then that's okay. It hurts but its your choice. I feel like i have no one to hold a conversation with that doesn't want to talk about this or that or this person or whatnot...you were just someone to talk about random things with and you didn't always mind that i was shy ( i kno you did sometimes) And i know maybe i wasn't completely myself around you, and if i could do it over i would be myself around you....but i felt that i knew you somewhat.....know i feel like i don't know you at all....i feel like one of my good friends knows you better than i do. I don't even know what your car looks like half the time....which hurts. Maybe this isn't how it is for you...but i feel like you don't care anymore...at all.....i have never felt more alone in my entire life as i do know. I know I'm not alone. I'll always have God. but i still just feel alone. I have tried, okay? I honestly have tried but i'm not getting anywhere. I take one step forward and 10 steps back. Everytime i think i've moved on i know i haven't deep down. I just miss you more than ever, and i hate it that when i need someone just as a friend to turn to..i don't have you anymore............."





so yeah.....I'm sorry for all who have felt pain as deep as i have and deeper. because i know there are people who are hurting wayy more than i am. there is just no way to describe why your hurting and how your hurting to anyone, you can't even explain it to yourself most of the time. you just know that the pain is real and that it will remain there deep down forever. even if you've managed to move on with your life. that pain will always be there....




but on a happier note when we reach heaven there will be no more sadness or pain or tears...everything will be perfect, absolutly perfect!



God Bless!