Remembering

I know i just posted like an hour or so ago but I'm posting again. If i dont' post when i have things on my mind, i'll forget them later. But hey two posts in one day, i'm getting good at this =] lol......but anyways i was up in bed, reading/doing homework and i was just thinking and remembering and stuff......and i got to a point where i think i can somewhat, somewhat, understand my feelings.



In one of my all time favorite movies, the Cinderella Story, Sam tells Austin: "Waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought; useless and disappointing." The movie goes on to show Sam going to the football game with her friend, Austin realizes that football is not his dream, but his dad's dream for him. Austin runs off the field up the bleachers, just as Sam is getting ready to leave because she can't take it....Austin runs to her, kisses her, and it starts to rain, and he says "Sorry for making you wait for the rain." [ I LOVE that movie!!] But *reality* check. Love is not like that. I used to think it was [ha. stupid me] If it was like that, it'd stop a lot of hurt but its not so i guess we just have to deal with it, unfortunatly. I had a similiar situation except my fairy tale ending didn't come true. It was but just that; a fairy tale. I waited and waited and the rain came and went, but he never came....and i finally couldn't take it anymore, so i just left it rain and moved on to sunshine. Eventually, either him or i will realize what we've lost, either me for not waiting longer, or him for not coming to me.......if only the memories would but fade away, but do i really want them to?



Remembering When

I remember when you used to hold me tight
now crying and lonliness, I fight
For upon a mountain, the sun setting
I wish these memories, I'd be forgetting
The pain still with me, still here, still real
I wish this feeling I'd never have to feel
Your name on the wall I see every day
I stare, I blink, then look away
The warmth of your hand i feel no more
your love no longer there, my heart tore
I waited for you but you never came
your love for me never the same
In pain, I wept for months on end
until a friend God did send
Now is the time to let go
to me you cause no more 'woe'
Another chapter has begun
From you I no longer run
In his arms safe and sound
from the past pain in me around
So many memories I drown out
but within in me they'll always be bound
New memories will rise
right before my eyes
It won't be easy, these memories, to forget
With me they'll stay, I'll never regret
I thought all love within me was dead
but this new flower is beginning to spread...

Happiness becomes a part of me again
As the heart in me begins to mend...

Random

So i was reading this book which is actually a diary which was sort of boring at first but has a lot of good concepts in it. It kind of talks about how we judge people by the "outside cover." You can look at a person wearing almost all black, with several piercings and an unhappy look on his or her face....but do you really know them? No, you don't. You look at them and stare because their not like you.....But in reality they are just like you...they are a person who is hurting just like everyone else in this world, they may be hurting worse than most or they may just be confused at this certain point in their life. They don't neccessarily dress the way they do because they want to look evil, they dress like that because they don't want to be a superficial look alike. I mean common, how many people buy namebrand clothes and stylish stuff because everyone else is. I used to be like that and still am to some extent but I try not to give in to the "stylish" ways. I try to be modest and look nice at the same time, which is possible by the way. I don't always succeed but neither does anyone else. At least i try right? I've also started wearing stuff that I wouldn't normally because i was afriad of what people would think but guess what i dont' really care anymore....if I like it, I'm going to wear it. We, as Christians, should NOT be judging others by the way they dress. If they wear black pants with chains connected to them with a several piercings or dirty smelly clothing, or they tend to dress up a lot, or they wear casual comfy clothes alot...so what??? What does it matter what they look like on the outside?? Do you seriously think God cares about that?? I mean obviously He wants you to dress modestly and such but i think it comes down to a bigger concept. Whats in the heart! We all fail at accepting people. I know, believe me, I know. But really if you think about it, and I mean REALLY think about it...its wrong not to accept someone or let them join in your "group" if they aren't like you....becasue you know what....that person that you are turning away could be the very person of God Himself, then won't you be in a mess. I know i've looked at people and was like wow....that is really weird or something like that...or man, that girls skirt is too short...or whatever...but seriously..maybe their jsut at a point in their life where their confused or their hurting or doing that to get some attention adn they just don't know. And by not accepting them or staring or making fun of them....hurts them and closes them in all the more. I just don't understand why we can't accept everyone. How can we witness effectively and shut people out at the same time? Isn't that contradicting our Christianity? God's invitation is open to ALL.....few are chosen but the invitation is open....NO ONE deserves it!! NO ONE!!! We are no better than anyone out there....You are not better than me, I am not better than the girl next door, and she certaintly isn't any better than than they boy who lives in the trailer park....we are all the same..undeserving, sinning, wretches, is what we are. God sent His Son for every perosn on this world, we just have to accept His invitation....plug your name into John 3:16 "For God so loved [your name] that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever, believeth in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." For God so loved me, For God so loved susan, For God so loved mikey,.....and you get the picture.....if only we could stray from that thought process and only see whats on the inside, we could prevent so much hurt.........



Like a flower quickly fading

she pulls her arms in

like a dandelion among the roses

she doesn't fit in

people laughed and people pointed

at her dirty clothes, faded and torn

however, what they didn't realize

was that the God up above

was looking down on her in love.

Being Afraid

So I am EXHAUSTED. I got up at 6:15 this morning, went to the guys tournament game and then went to work until 9. So my feet are killing me and I'm sicker than a dog, haha. Work was CRAZY! For two hours we were busy non stop...it was my second night and i was waitressing tables all by myself and really had no clue what i was doing but it went okay, except till that rush was over, i was almost in tears, and pulling my hair out, and some people that i work with were getting frustrated and kinda yelled at me =[ but it was all good...im still in training which means i don't get to keep my tips which stinks but i think we're soon off of training which will be nice. It's extra money and so far we've only had to work one day a week which is REALLY nice and i hope it stays that way.

But anyways....while i was washing tables, i was thinking (which i do WAY too much of) and I was thinking about how I'm actually petrified to be in another relationship right now. Like, i like being in a relationship but I'm afraid to get too close to him because of what happened before. I dont' want another broken heart. He says he's not gonna break it....but i know thats not true. Guys are guys, and for the most part their all alike when it comes to girls (at least most of them) I'm the kind of girl who falls hard for a guy. I'm not one who can just go out with a guy and then when he breaks up with me...go for another guy without having any time in their to "woe" and cry my eyes out...(whatever anyone wants to say, im not.) But yeah....I just got really scared when i was thinking about it....I have a tendency to think about stuff that scares me so bad, i'll end up in tears or just like EXTREMELY scared...so when i was thinking about getting hurt...again....i just fell into this feeling of extreme sadness....i got out of it but it just i dont' know...scares me....it's kinda hard to explain. I know God will take care of me and He won't give me too much to handle. But sometimes i wonder how far i can make it.

Well, I'm going to bed...I have to get up early tomorrow morning....again....because we're going to my grandparents house and i have to pick Joe up at 7:30 which means I'm going to be getting up super early...ughh...oh well....good night!


And God Bless!!

Fun, Fun, and More Fun =]

Oh my. I am SO exhausted. And getting sicker by the minute. But I am having so much fun even though i am still very stressed with school. Let's see last night, Joe, Mary Beth, Jenny, Eric, and I stayed at the school until like 6:00 working on our Econ project. We had to make a commercial and we had so much fun doing it, even though we had to do it like three times over because we couldnt' stop laughing. And it was fun even though i was ready to go home after we were done because i had an econ test to study for and a Bible book review to type. Which i got both done even though i had to stay up late doing them. And then today we got out at 1:35 to go to the guys soccer tournament game. Most of the girls that went, french braided their hair and we had white and red ribbon in it and we painted out faces! And on the way home, genius me, spilt half my frosty on my sweatshirt because i wasn't paying attention. I looked down for no apparent reason and my black sweatshirt was white! It was awful lol so Natalie and Joe found me a lot of napkins and helped me clean it up lol.....It was so much fun and i took soo many pictures. I wish i could put them on here but unfortunatly i can't because this computer is SO slow....but maybe ill try to get them on here somehow sometime (i doubt it, lol) And then since the guys won we're going tomorrow at 12:30 and doing it alll over again lol....i'm so excited and it makes school much more bearable. And the people haven't called us into work for this weekend YET...which makes me VERY happy because maybe they won't call us in at all which would make me SUPER HAPPY!!! lol because i have mucho plans for this weekend (kind of) lol.....

It is so great to for once in a long time...be happy. The sadness still remains but it only comes up every once in awhile now instead of every second of every day. I'm beginning to find better friends in people who were my friends but i just didnt' talk to them as much as i do now...and that my one friend who i did talk to a lot im not talking to that much =[ which is sad.......and i don't really know what to do about it but i guess time will tell...

I don't really know what else to say. I don't have much to say. But here's a random thing from Bible class......we're doing this study and we have movies to go along with it, and in the movie there was a scene about how some people say things intentionally to hurt others. Grant it some people instigate it but its still not nice to say hurtful things to people, or right. We need to be aware of others feelings. They might say something hurtful to you and someone might stick up for by saying something mean back. You should tell them that saying that was wrong because it is. You dont' know what that person is going through, they may have said something mean to you because their dealing with something in their life. That doesn't make it right for them to be mean to you AT ALL but you need to take it into consideration. But I just think that if we as people would work harder at being nice to everyone we meet, it would make this terrible, miserable, unhappy world a better place.....anything helps.


Well, I'm going to bed or at least get ready for bed. I'm so sick lol.....so Good night!!


God Bless!!!


And Go JMS Boys!!!

Random

So its 9:30 at night and i should be going to bed or doing homework but instead I'm updating. I'm great with having my priorities in order, aren't I? (haha.) Well, today was remotely fun at school. Soccer practice was fun and this thursday and friday our boys are going to a tournament! And we get to go with! Yay! And then after that we have only one more game and soccer is over! You'll very rarely find me saying this but i do believe this soccer season is ending. We had a terrible season and there are just too many girls not dedicated enough to come to pracitce and games and such. Which kinda stinks to those of us who want to have a good season. But oh well. The end of this week should be fun even though i'm a bit overwhelmed with my homework at the moment.

I'm trying to keep happy in the midst of things. Joe told me tonight, "come to school happy tomorrow." So i'm trying to keep things on the "light" side right now and keep my spirits up even though in reality i want to cry or scream or something! But hey life's too short right? You have to dance in the rain sometimes! You have to get out and have some fun every once in a while. (Which is going to be hard since i got a new job :( which i dislike very much. But its another chance to show people God even though it will take a lot of my weekend plans :( oh well i guess)

But anywho, I'm getting sick so i better get to bed....

but i will say this...i'm reading this book for Bible class....and it talks about how the youth can't tell right from wrong anymore. It has some really good stuff in it. We have to look at the origin (God, the Source of Truth) to determine waht is right and wrong. The book says that it comes down to our parents. Our parents have left other people raise us and teach us things. They expect our teachers, pastors, sunday school teachers, etc. to teach us the things we know. They have not taken the responsibility on themselves to raise us properly. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents, and they have done a pretty good job of raising me and my siblings, i'm just saying what the book said. But in a way i agree with it. When was the last time, if ever, your parents took a real life event or TV show or something and said "now, what can you tell me about how God would see that and how the world would see that" (not exactly like that but something like that) It's just somethign to think about.

Quick and boring post i know, i'm sorry, im just so tired.......And now since my eyes are drooping and my throat is hurting...i'm out.


Trying to be Happy =]


God Bless!!

Annoyed

Finding a place to take my frustration out. I thought i was "through the corn maize" but obviously i'm not. I just feel really "ugh" right now...I'm angry, I'm happy, I'm depressed, I'm this, I'm that, and i can't sort through my feelings any better than i could a few months ago. Everything is still soo confusing. A little less confusing yes but there are still SO many things that are unanswered and un-asked. I just don't care anymore. I don't care about school or my grades or anything. It's getting annoying and stuff. This is one of the worst emotionally feeling day that i've had in a long while. Which i guess is good except that i hate feeling this way at any time even if it is only once in awhile! I wish life was simple. I hate being upset when i don't know why. It's just one of those days, ugh. I mean i partially know why but partially not.

Part of the reason is because i just don't understand how people can hurt other people whom they "love." It doesn't make much sense. I mean obviously theres a reason behind it, which i somewhat understand but not really. It almost makes me mad. That i left someone hurt me so bad that my heart was so crucshed that it is still being put back together after all this time. I know that people don't purposely hurt other people at least most of the times. I just don't understand why people can't give you a reason. It feels great....not feeling like your not good enough. That is one of the worst feelings....knowing that in other people's eyes you weren't good enough. Man, does that hurt. And I do know maybe it wasn't inteded to be that way, or i wasn't supposed to feel that way or get that "drift" or whatever you say....but i did.....

There are things you will never know. My fault that i didn't speak up, I know. Some of them are written in letters, that i had planned on giving you at some point, but i think ive decided not to, at least for now, that are stuck in a box in my closet. Surprisingly its been awhile since i've opened that box. It will open soon enough though because i have to put more stuff in it. The last letter (if i get to writing it) included.

Thats just one of the reasons i'm feeling so lousy though...i couldnt' explain the rest to you because i can't even explain it to myself, which i hate...I just ugh i don't know anymore......hopefully this will past....

not a very happy post but none the less a post....


God Bless.

Corn Maize

I just got back from a corn maize with four of my friends. It was a great time with just the girls haha. But it was exhausting. A thought came to me though....just now actually that being in a corn maize has kind of been like my life for the past few years. I've been stuck in a maize and couldn't find my way out. Just like Natalie couldn't get out. The rest of us cut through the corn *shhh...we're not supposed to do that* lol....but Natalie wanted to find the way out so we had to go back in and get her. Sometimes we get so fed up with trying to get out of the "maize" we're going through we try to take short cuts. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it makes things worse. Or you get tired like Dove and I did, and just wanted to give up. You are so emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted that you just want to drop over and give up on everything you're going through. Either you find your own way out or you need help from God, family, or friends. Life is so ironic. You can take the simplest things and apply them to your life if you really think about it. I've found my way out of the "big maize" in my life...but i feel that their is still a rope attached to me keeping me from being completely free of my maize. I'm not exactly sure why though.

But i officially am sick of corn maizes lol and i've only been to one. It was because i wore the wrong shoes though i think, haha. Nah. It wasn't too bad. It was actually fun, even though i'm tired now. But because it's still a gorgeous night I'm going to go take a walk with my puppy =]



God Bless!